


Tragic Kingdom

by Nowl



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dubious Consent, Hanji loves Madonna, M/M, Past Drug Use, Really when isn't Levi ripping my heart out, Self-Harm, Slight trigger warning, Suicidal Thoughts, but Levi loves Amy Winehouse, wow I totally made Hanji a drag queen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-05 14:31:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nowl/pseuds/Nowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They meet on a rainy day, beneath a purple umbrella.</p><p>Eren, so young and bound so closely to who he feels he has to be that he is afraid to be himself.</p><p>And Levi, untrusting and still weighed down so heavily by a past he’d rather forget.<br/>((I finally rewrote the summary :D))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Normal Day for Eren

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic is prolly gonna become less apt the longer this gets, it just happens I was listening to the album Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt while writing this chapter.
> 
> This chapter is gonna be in Eren's POV so we'll get to Levi in the next chapter.

Since before I can remember, I’ve always wanted to join the military.

Before my dad went “MIA (presumed KIA)” when I was seven, he told me stories about how his father had been in the military, and his father before him, and his father before him and so on back until they couldn’t keep track of our family line anymore. He told me when I grew up I should carry on the tradition. My mom was surprised at how adamant I became about it, even after she knew I realized dad was never going to be here to see me do it.

I was a good kid. I kept up good grades (though not as good as Mikasa and Armin), I stayed out of trouble (no matter how often that asshole Jean made me want to punch him in the nose), I kept up good behavior (especially in front of my dad’s family who had always said bad things about my mom for some reason), and I did everything I could to make my dad proud of me.

So in keeping with being a good kid, I got a part time job the summer before my senior year of high school at the diner down the street from my house with Mikasa.

“Hurry up Eren!” Mikasa calls up the stairs.

I woke up late so, still rushing to get ready, I shove on my sneakers and reply, “I’ll be right down!”

Mikasa is dressed in a long sleeve, white t-shirt and a black skirt (as her our work uniform of white tops and black bottoms); her hair is tied back in a high ponytail and the red scarf I gave her for her thirteenth birthday is tied around her neck (she is only allowed to wear the scarf after arguing with our boss that she is sensitive to the cold and has to wear it). As soon as she sees me exiting my room she makes her way outside to the car, her ponytail swinging behind her. When I get down I turn to mom, who is folding laundry on the couch. “See you later mom,” I say and kiss her head before making my own way out the door.

“Don’t forget we’re going to your grandparents for dinner tonight,” she says.

“Okay,” I call back and run over to Mikasa’s car.

She already has it started and waiting. “Sorry, I forgot we had work today,” I say.

She just shrugs and pulls out of the driveway. Despite being a year and a month older than me, Mikasa is going to be a senior with me and Armin this year; she’d started kindergarten a year late with me because I screamed anytime she went anywhere without me. Mom said I’d always been attached to her that way. She is still my best friend next to Armin.

And anyway, because she is the older of the two of us, mom had bought her a car when she got her license and told us to share after I got mine because she couldn’t afford to keep three cars in the driveway. She doesn’t know that my grandfather had offered to buy me one, newer and nicer than mom and Mikasa’s cars combined. I told him if he did buy me a car that nice I was giving it to mom and taking her car – he hasn’t mention it since.

When we pull into the diner parking lot, it is already crowded. “I didn’t think this many people even lived around here,” Mikasa says, not for the first time.

“We’re close enough to the city I think it’s mostly traffic from people on their way to work,” I reply, not for the last time.

We go inside and I find Marco on counter duty waiting for me. “Thanks for covering for me Marco,” I say, tying on my apron.

“Sure thing,” Marco replies with a grin. “I only had to pick up tables five and eight for you and they just got here so you’re good.”

The morning progresses as most mornings at the diner go: fast and then dreadfully slow. After the morning rush is done, there are only a few people in and out until lunchtime. It is during the lull and I go to clean off the tables that haven’t gotten a thorough cleaning since this morning. I’m scrubbing syrup off table twelve when I have the strangest feeling someone is watching me. I look around but the only people in the diner are a couple at a booth on the other side of the room, an old man at the counter, Mikasa, and Marco.

Looking outside, there is a man sitting on a bench across the street. He has a cigarette perched between his fingers and more piercings than I can count from this distance adorning his face. He is dressed in a banged up pair of boots, dark jeans, and a baggy, old-looking, Aerosmith t-shirt. He has a leather jacket draped across his lap and is staring directly at me. His eyes make my ears heat up and I have to look away. I almost look back up but – “Eren, you have a table,” Marco says, breaking my concentration.

“Uh, right.”

I walk over and put on a smile for the middle aged woman and the little girl waiting for me. They order their drinks; a black coffee and an apple juice respectively. When I come back from the kitchen, I look out the window to see the man is gone. I can’t ignore the twinge of disappointment deep in my stomach.

* * *

“Hey Eren?” Mikasa asks.

“Yeah?”

“Why have you never had a girlfriend?”

It is after work and Mikasa and I were on the half hour drive to the mall to meet Armin. I shrug. “Never really thought about it.”

I can practically hear her roll her eyes. “You and I both know at least one girl comes up and asks you out every week.”

“Can’t imagine why,” I reply passively. “I’m not much to look at.”

Mikasa just stares at me; we are sitting at a red light. “Are you kidding me?” she asks as the light changes and she puts her eyes back on the road. “Do you know how many “hot lists” I’ve seen floating around school with you right at the top? I have to admit it’s pretty gross thinking about how many girls wanna bang my baby brother but they’re not wrong, you are _really_ good looking.”

My ears heat up at the top. “Shut up Mikasa!” My cheeks warm at the way my voice squeaks. I sink in my seat when she laughs. I mumble quietly, “Maybe I’m just not into girls.”

Mikasa shrugs. “That’s fine too,” she says. “You and mom both know how long Annie and I have been going out, neither of us cares if you’re gay.”

“But would-“

“If you’re about to ask me how much dad would care, you can stop right now.”

“But Mikasa, you know how he was; straight as an arrow, manly as manly gets – even if dad didn’t care about having a fag for a son he would’ve wanted grandkids and clearly if you’re with Annie he wouldn’t get any from you and if I can’t either then-“

“First of all, never call yourself a fag again or I’ll kick your ass so hard I’ll be sending you to see dad for yourself. Second,” She grips my hand, “Eren, dad would’ve wanted you to be _happy_. Not stuck in some hideously loveless marriage to some woman you don’t care about because you don’t like women.”

I sigh and stare out the window. “I just can’t seem to stop thinking about it since both you and Armin came out.”

She snorts. “Sorry for giving you an identity crisis.”

“No, I think I’ve known for a while I just don’t know what to do about it.”

“Just be who you are?”

“No smarty, how do I tell our family?”

Mikasa shrugs. “Mom’s the only person in our family who knows about me, you know. Don’t feel pressure to tell our extended family unless you really, really want to.”

I look out the window, trying not to focus on anything in particular. “I’m pretty sure they aren’t gonna like it. From either of us.”

“Who cares what they think?” Mikasa asks. “Clearly none of them give a shit about mom and I’m not inclined to think they give a shit about me, but they like you, at least. I don’t know, I don’t think you should ruin anything with them without a good reason, I guess. Especially not before your birthday, they always get you nice things for your birthday.”

“Which is bull because they always “forget” yours and mom’s. Besides, my birthday isn’t for eight months.”

“But it’ll be your eighteenth birthday which will no doubt be a very big deal for them.”

I roll my eyes, about to change the subject. “Speaking of No Doubt,” I say, taking out my ipod.

I turn on _Just a Girl_ and start screaming the lyrics over how loud I had turned up the music. “What is with you and this old ass music?” Mikasa asks, chuckling at my over-enthusiasm.

“It’s my favorite album,” I say, rocking back and forth beside her.

She just shakes her head. “You really are gay.”

“Shut up,” I reply, grinning. “ _Oh, I’m just a girl; take a good look at me. Just your typ-i-cal prototype!_ ”

Mikasa laughs. “Not that you don’t try but you’re not a typical anything.”

I make a face at her, the truth in those words hitting me in a way I hadn’t expected. I brush it off and keep singing. We listen to _Don’t Speak_ and _Sixteen_ in quiet before we get to the mall.

We meet up with Armin in the food court. “Hey guys!” he calls to us, waving.

I am taken off guard by the _incredibly_ low cut shirt he’s wearing. “Hey, Armin’s boy titties,” I say.

Armin’s face goes red and Mikasa just swats my shoulder. “Don’t tease him.”

“No but seriously, why are you dressed extra sexy today? Meeting someone?”

Armin shrugs. “Someone told me I dress like a nerd and I think I agree with them so I’m trying something different.”

“Oh,” I drawl. “So that’s why we’re shopping today.”

“Yeah,” Armin replies. “I have over four hundred dollars to spend on a new wardrobe ‘cause I haven’t spent any of my birthday money from last year.”

Mikasa blanches. “How do you just _not_ spend your birthday money?”

“Well my parents usually just buy me what I want ‘cause I don’t really want much.”

“Alright,” I say. “Let’s get shopping, where to first?”

“I was hoping you two could give me an idea of where to go,” he replies rather sheepishly.

I look at Mikasa. “American Eagle?”

“And Tilly’s.”

“Oh yeah, and Macy’s for some nicer clothes.”

“Oh yeah,” Armin pipes in as we lead him around. “I’m getting my hair cut too.”

“What?” Mikasa sounds more shocked than I actually feel. “I love your hair. I think you might do fine wearing it back but you shouldn’t cut it.” She pulls up her sleeve and pulls off a hair-elastic from the collection of, like, thirty she’s managed to amass on her arm. “Try this.”

Armin makes a face but does as he’s told. “Like this?”

We both stop and look at him. “Why didn’t you try this before?” I ask. “I think you just aged a couple years in two seconds.”

Armin makes a face. “Are you saying I look like a kid with my hair down?”

“What? No.”

“So I look super old now?”

Mikasa laughs. “He just means you look more your age now,” she says. “And I happen to agree.”

Armin manages a slight smile. “I’m glad you guys are good at this stuff, I’m pretty clueless.”

“We know,” Mikasa and I say.

“Jinx,” she says. “Now you have to drive home.”

It isn’t really punishment but Mikasa’s always been nicer than me. “How was work this morning, by the way,” Armin asks as we walk into American Eagle.

“Fine,” I reply. “Kinda’ weird though, this guy was staring at me from outside this morning.”

“A guy?” Mikasa asks, holding a pair of jeans up to Armin’s hips trying to gauge his size. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Forgot until now,” I reply. “His eyes kinda’ freaked me out. No weird color or anything they were just _super_ intense.”

I dig through one of the racks. “I wear a small in here, I think,” Armin says, sounding almost embarrassed.

I roll my eyes. “We already know you’re super tiny Armin, it’s alright.”

I hand him a blue and red plaid shirt and Mikasa hands him a pair of jeans. “Go try these on,” she says.

We wait outside the dressing room for him. “I’m never worn pants his tight,” he says. “It’s a little weird.”

“We know, Mr. Chronic Cargo Pants Wearer,” I say. “Hurry up; you’re making me anxious out here.”

He steps out with the sleeves rolled down and the shirt tucked in. “Too lumberjack,” Mikasa says immediately. “Untuck, roll the sleeves up, and undo the top two buttons.”

Armin does as he’s told and I smile when he twirls for us. “Much better,” I say. “Your ass looks much better in those pants than your cargos.”

“Eren!” he whines and turns around so I can’t see his blush.

Mikasa giggles. “Stay here, we’ll get you a few more things to try on.”

He goes back into the dressing room as we go back on the floor. “He’s too cute,” Mikasa says, going through the racks with me.

“I know, right?” Mikasa raises an eyebrow at me and I flush. “No, I do not have a crush on Armin.”

“Who has a crush on me?” Armin calls to us.

“Not Eren!” Mikasa replies.

“Shut up Mikasa.”

“Why would Eren have a crush on me?”

Mikasa looks to me for what I assume is permission. I roll my eyes and nod at her. “Eren joined the queer club on the car ride here,” she replies.

“Aw, Eren, you’re one of us too?”

I shrug. “I guess so.”

“Is that what that look on your face meant when you said that guy was staring at you, you thought he was hot?”

My face goes hot. “Um, maybe? I don’t know?” I shove a few shirts hand on the round rack. “It doesn’t matter anyway; I probably won’t see him again.”

* * *

At the end, Armin winds up buying four pairs of jeans, two pairs of dress pants, half a closet worth of new shirts, and a metric fuckton of things to accessorize with. I am already expecting calls asking advice on what to wear with what until he gets used to his new duds.

When we get home mom tells Mikasa and I we’re leaving in an hour to go to our grandparents’ for dinner. What she means to say is start getting dressed so she can approve or veto our looks for the night. Our grandparents are loaded so mom doesn’t ever want us going over there underdressed.

I end up dressed in brown slacks, a matching brown vest, and a mint green button down. Armin likes to tell me I had very good fashion sense for a guy, I'm not so sure given how simply I usually dress. He says I just mix colors well. This particular outfit reminds me of mint chocolate chip ice cream and I'm mostly just glad summers are mild around here so I'm not going to die of heat exhaustion. Downstairs, mom is pinning the strap of Mikasa’s plain, black dress to her bra so it won’t slip. Mikasa tops it off with the red scarf I’d given to her, much to mom’s chagrin. I know it is more of a security thing for Mikasa; she doesn’t like visiting our grandparents and doesn’t want to tell mom.

Mom smiles at us. “You two ready?”

Mikasa and I both shrug. We get in the car and mom lets Mikasa have control of what we listen to. She plugs in her ipod and turns on the _Moulin Rouge!_ Soundtrack; musicals are something of a bonding point for Mikasa and I – this particular one is a guilty pleasure of mine since I usually hate jukebox musicals. Mom smiles when I start singing _Sparkling Diamonds_. To be fair, mom might actually already know I’m gay.

When we arrive at their house, mom takes a deep breath. “Is it too late to go to _Burger King_ instead?” she asks. Mikasa and I chuckle and she looks at both of us. “Let’s go.”

We’re met at the door by one of the maids. “Dr. and Mrs. Jaeger are waiting in the parlor for you,” she says and leads us in there.

My grandfather had gone to medical school once he was done serving and got his doctorate; he’s an incredibly successful plastic surgeon now – likely the entire reason my grandmother could pass for being in her late thirties rather than her mid sixties. They were dad’s parents, Mikasa and I have never met mom’s parents.

“Evening Carla, Mikasa, Eren,” grandma says, sipping her martini.

“Good evening,” mom says, bowing her head slightly. “Thank you for having us.”

The three of us take our seats on the small sofa across from grandma, grandpa sits in his recliner to our left nursing a glass of what I assume is scotch. “How have you two been?” grandpa asks Mikasa and I. “I don’t believe we’ve seen you since the semester ended.”

Mom grins at Mikasa and I. “They both finished with straight A’s and we’re pretty sure Mikasa will be the valedictorian next year.”

“Why not Eren?” Grandma asks. “They both had straight A’s.”

Mikasa subtly takes my hand and I make a face. “Mikasa got into more honors classes than I did,” I say. “She deserves it more than I do anyway; captain of the softball team, student body president, president of the history club, you know.”

Grandma gives Mikasa a not-so-subtle appraisal. “You shouldn’t play sports darling, your shoulders are broad as it is.”

“Mikasa’s just fine the way she is,” I frown.

Mikasa grips my hand once before letting go as grandma’s stare turns to mom. “What have you been up to dear?”

“Working mostly,” mom replies, “The shop’s been pretty busy with the college students preparing to go back to school.”

Mom owns the biggest bookstore in our town, every year she manages to set lower prices for textbooks than most people can find online so the last few weeks of July into August get pretty busy for her. “I’ll never understand why you didn’t go back to school,” grandpa says. “You seem smart enough, you could be making much more money than you get back from you little bookstore.”

“I’m happy at the bookstore,” mom says definitely. It always amazes me the backbone she has when talking to grandma and grandpa. “Besides, we get by. We’re still pulling in money from Grisha so the kids are covered anyway.”

“Oh, my poor Grisha,” grandma says. “Had to die so you could take care of these two.”

Mikasa and I both notice the barely there clench of mom’s jaw as she stops herself from snapping. “Mom took care of us just fine before dad died,” Mikasa says suddenly.

“So you let her call him “dad” too huh?” grandpa asks mom.

What? I look at mom.

“Mikasa is as much Grisha’s daughter as Eren is his son.”

I look at Mikasa, who is clutching my hand again, looking at the floor. “I think I left something in the car,” she says and gets up.

“Mikasa,” I call behind her and go to get up but mom takes my hand and shakes her head subtly.

She gives me a smile she knows I know is false. “She probably just left her chapstick.”

“Little tart’s always been absentminded,” grandma says, but I’m not sure I was meant to hear it.

I want to ask mom what’s going on but the tight look on her face is just telling me no. “So Eren, what classes are you taking this year?”

Mikasa comes back just in time for dinner and we leave at the first moment we get a chance.

It’s quiet on the way home. I decide it’s not worth asking what they were talking about.


	2. A Normal Day for Levi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, Hanji's a dude :D

Since before I can remember, the only person who’s ever _really_ loved me has been my older brother Hanji.

He is actually the one who gave me my favorite leather jacket.

Incidentally, he’s also the person whose couch I’ve been sleeping on and who is screaming while he is making breakfast right now. “Shut the fuck up Hanji!” I shout, covering my head with a pillow.

He laughs. “It’s not my fault _someone_ didn’t sleep until three am.”

I huff and throw off my blanket. I shuffle into a pair of jeans, putting my lighter and my cigarettes in my pocket. “Oh come on, I was only joking, come eat breakfast,” he says, I can still hear the grin in his voice.

Hanji is smiling at me from his place at the stove. I assume he hasn’t slept yet because he is still in full face from his drag show last night and it doesn’t look smudged from sleep, just cracked from such long wear. It’s weird seeing him with all that makeup but without a wig, dress, or pumps. I wonder what his dad would say if he could see this. I sigh, trying to let my frustration with him go. “I just need to go smoke, I’ll be right back.”

I’m glad our apartment leads directly to an outdoor stairwell so I just go over the edge with the rail to smoke.

Hanji technically isn’t my brother anymore. His dad and my mom had gotten married when the two of us were kids. Things were good for a few years, then my mom died and since Hanji’s dad hadn’t officially adopted me I ended up in a shithole apartment two states away with my own dad. Hanji tried to help me as much as he could, but there’s only so much you can do for someone whose own father wouldn’t let them eat some days.

I’m not saying bad childhoods are the leading cause of shitty adults, but I’m a pretty shitty adult.

My only regret is that my reunion with Hanji was bloody and laced with cocaine. I’ve actually only been living in his actual apartment for a little over two weeks, before that was my mandatory hospital stay coming down off all the drugs I was on.

I think the only reason Hanji can still smile at me is he’s glad he’s found a way to help me.

When I go back inside, I find he’s left pancakes on the table for both of us, but he’s gone off somewhere. Judging by the light under the bathroom door, he’s gone to wash his face. I sit down and start cutting up my pancakes before getting up to get a dish to put my syrup in. When I look down at the table I realize Hanji already left a teacup near my plate with syrup already in it. He remembered I hate putting syrup directly onto my pancakes.

I don’t say thank you when he comes out, but I do make sure he’s looking when I dip a forkful of pancake into the tiny cup.

“Do you have work today?” I ask, just trying to break up the quiet.

“Nope,” Hanji replies. “After this I’m going to sleep and probably won’t be up again until dinner.”

In the summers Hanji works at the local botanical garden, he doesn’t make much but it’s enough to support him through the summer until school starts again. This will be his second year teaching at the high school on the far side of town. He’s a science teacher: biology, chemistry, and anatomy and physiology.

I might have actually finished high school if I’d had a teacher like him; he’s so overenthusiastic it’s kind of infectious. Hanji was incredibly angry when I told him I had dropped out, he told me he was gonna help me study so I at least had my GED because I “can’t just walk around with less than a high school education”. Which I called bullshit on because I’d be willing to bet most high schoolers haven’t spent as much time in libraries as I have.

I looked up to see Hanji staring at me. “What, glasses?”

He looks at me with curiosity in his eyes. “Do you still like drawing?”

When we were kids I liked to draw all the time. When I moved in with my dad he almost never kept paper around the house so every time I went to the library until I was around fifteen, I would steal paper from the printers to draw on between hours I spent reading.  It felt like forever since I’d held a pencil to write something down let alone draw. “I don’t know,” I answer, because I honestly don’t know if I’m still good at it.

Hanji smiles at me. “You should pick up a sketchbook the next time you go shopping. I just keep remembering how happy you always looked with a clean stack on paper on your lap and it makes me wonder why you let yourself be so miserable.”

I roll my eyes and sigh. I don’t _let_ myself be miserable, I _am_ miserable. Not that I can tell him that.

We finish eating in silence. Hanji stands up and smiles at me, “I’m really glad you’re here.”

I would really, really, _really_ rather be high right now.

But I give him the only semblance of a smile I can muster. “Thank you.”

* * *

After Hanji goes to sleep I see it’s only a little after nine in the morning. I almost go wake him back up so I can punch him for waking me up so early but I shove on my boots, put on my jacket, and go for a walk instead.

I stop at the library to drop off the book I’d just finished, _Fight Club_ , and to pick up a new one. After wandering the stacks for fifteen minutes I choose a collection of Walt Whitman’s poetry – I had read it so many times I could probably recite some of the poems but reading was mostly just a distraction at this point.

I kept walking when I left the library, just enjoying the relative quiet until I get to my favorite diner in town.

I am not even exaggerating when I tell you they make the best French fries I’ve ever had. However, I am currently suffering the plight of the fact that they do not serve French fries until they start serving lunch. Not that I’m particularly hungry after Hanji’s pancakes this morning.

So I take a seat on the bench across the street, take my jacket off, and light a cigarette to watch the rest of the morning rush die down. Inside, I see the wait staff rushing around; the boy and girl on the floor keep talking to each other between taking and carrying around orders. They seem to be there a lot, or they’ve at least been there every time I’ve stopped in (which has been many, _many_ times since I’ve come to live with Hanji). On their nametags, beneath the “Daisy’s Café and Diner” logo, are the names Mikasa and Eren. They’re both pretty cute, probably still in high school. 

The girl isn’t overly enthusiastic, but she’s got a great memory and from what I’ve heard eavesdropping on other diner patrons, no one seems to have a complaint about her. That boy, on the other hand, is easily flustered and excitable. He makes it up to his customers with how open and friendly he is, as far as I can tell. He’s cute. He reminds me of Hanji, just infinitely less insane.

I shouldn’t think about either of them as much I do but that girl looks way too familiar for me to ignore and the her brother…

For the life of me, I cannot figure out what it is about him but he just makes me want to stare.

He makes me want to have all his attention and I don’t know why.

It’s probably those gigantic fucking eyes of his. What the hell color are they anyway? Green? Blue? What the hell?

Or, actually, it’s probably because the first time I saw him he was singing and dancing to _Hella Good_ by No Doubt while mopping the floor.

I must’ve been staring too long because he turns and looks directly at me. The flush that immediately comes over his cheeks lifts a corner of my mouth up into a smirk. He looks away as soon as he gets to my eyes. I stomp out my cigarette and stand when he turns because the boy at the counter is talking to him but he starts to walk away so I suddenly feel silly standing.

To make it look like I didn’t stand for no reason (not that anyone would care, but I still feel kind of embarrassed) I decide to go to the grocery store so I can cook dinner for Hanji later.

* * *

You’re acting like a teenager with a crush.”

I had _Hella Good_ playing on the ipod Hanji had lent me when he came into the kitchen that night. Instead of responding, I just rolled my eyes. “We’re having chicken and pasta for dinner,” I tell him.

He smiles at me. “It’s really cool having someone to cook for me now. If you weren’t here I might be eating Wendy’s for dinner tonight.”

It’s Hanji’s little way of reminding me not to leave the apartment to hunt down my old dealers. I guess he figures the more times he tells me he loves me and how much he loves having me around, it might stop me from leaving. At least he’s right for now.

But the gnawing feeling in my gut that I need to shoot up is getting harder to resist by the minute.

Hanji sits at the kitchen table. “Maybe you should look for a job,” he says. “To waste time when I don’t have time to bug you.”

I shrug. “I’m not as friendly as most people would like.”

“So?” he asks. “You can stock shelves at the supermarket or something. You’d be working at night and the only people you’d have to interact with would be your boss and co-workers, no customers to get pissed off at.”

“I’d rather not work at night.”

“Why not? I figured a night owl like you might enjoy it.”

I stare at the boiling water on the stovetop. “It’s not a good idea for me to be out at night,” I mumble. “Too much temptation.”

Hanji hums. “Well, there’s a bookstore in town. I know books are your thing, and the lady who owns the place is really sweet. She usually needs help this time of year with all the kids getting ready for school in a couple months.”

I shrug. “Maybe, I guess.”

“Great!” Hanji says. “I’ll take you to see her tomorrow after work.”

I nod and flip the chicken over in the pan before putting the noodles in the boiling water. “Hey Hanji?”

“Yeah?”

“When was the last time you talked to your parents?”

Hanji is quiet, thinking. “Well, I told you how dad took it when I came out to him. And I haven’t gone to see mom in a year or two.”

Hanji’s mom is schizophrenic, the reason his parents divorced. She has been living in some facility somewhere since the year before my mom married Hanji’s dad. “Do you want me to go with you to see her?” I ask. “The next time you go.”

When Hanji doesn’t respond, I turn to see him grinning with his eyes tearing up. He jumps out it his seat and almost knocks me onto the stove as he throws a hug on me. “I love you so much Levi!”

“Get off; I’m not your boyfriend!”

“You’re better than a boyfriend, you’re my Levi!”

I roll my eyes and wait for him to let up so I can finish dinner. When he tries to back away his hair gets caught on one of my earrings. “Ow! I’m sorry, I keep forgetting how much metal you have in your head,” Hanji says. I ease his hair off the ring and he backs up a step. “How many piercings do you have anyway?”

I take a second to think before answering definitively, “Forty-five.”

He balks, eyes going wide, and I snort a quick laugh. “Forty-five?! Where do you keep all those?”

I take a deep breath and start listing, “Seven in my left ear, five in my right, three bars in my left eyebrow, one ring in my right, two nose-bridge piercings, a stud on my nose, a bar in my upper left cheek, dimple piercings, snakebites, a labret piercing, a bar through the tip of my tongue, a regular tongue piercing, bars on body sides of my collar, nipple piercings, a bellybutton piercing, bars on each of my hipbones, a bar on the inside of my right wrist, dermal piercings on my index, middle, and ring fingers on my right hand, two bars on the back of my left hand, back dimple piercings, two bars on the back of my neck, and a Prince Albert.”

Hanji flops onto his chair, his mouth hanging open. “How could you even afford all those?”

I shrug. “A sugar daddy with a metal fetish and a few months of petty theft.”

“Your dimples were so cute, what’d you have to go and get them pierced for?” Hanji is quiet for a moment before flailing across the table in mock sadness. “I can’t believe you got your dick pierced. My baby brother has a genital piercing.” 

“That’s what you’re choosing to focus on?”

Hanji just shakes his head. “I just can’t believe it.”

“Well it was my eighteenth birthday present, so believe it.”

“You were dating Erwin that long ago?”

“I told you in that counseling session we had at the hospital, we started banging when I was seventeen, right after I dropped out and he “left” me for the first time when I was nineteen, we never officially dated, he was just dicking around with me ‘cause he had nothing better to do.”

“Which reminds me,” Hanji says, almost absently. “Have you ever been tested?”

I cock an eyebrow at him. “Tested?”

“You know, for HIV.”

I pause and turn back to the stove. “I haven’t had insurance since dad kicked me out and I’ve had next to no money either.”

“I’m going in September,” he says. “You want me to make you an appointment too?”

I sigh, turning off the burners and carrying the pot of hot pasta to the sink to strain. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

* * *

It starts with an itchy feeling in my arm.

Hanji went to bed an hour ago but I’ve been sitting up reading, waiting to get tired. The more minutes pass the twitchier I get. Half way through a line I start getting lost: " _My captain does not answer, his lips are – does not answer, his – his lips are -"_

I put the book down because I’m losing focus and turn on the TV, hoping it’ll distract me. Fran Drescher’s voice only seems to exacerbate my problem so I switch from Nick @ Nite to Adult Swim. As I try and sit through _Robot Chicken_ I absently I start scratching my arm.

By the end of the second episode I have blood under my fingernails and – thank god – none spilled on the couch. I make my way over to the bathroom to try and find the alcohol and some bandages.

Halfway through looking I get frustrated and sit on the floor, curling my knees up to my chest, trying to calm myself back down: I need to stay here. I need to stay clean. Hanji loves me. I need to stay clean for Hanji.

I’m bouncing my foot and trying hard to focus on something other than the insatiable craving.

Staring at the tile on the floor I notice a dark stain in the corner. The more I look the more I find other discolorations of the floor.

It’s probably past midnight by now but I find Hanji’s stash of cleaning products in the hall closet. I get to work scrubbing the floor. The smell of the product starts making me dizzy so I open the window and turn on a fan facing out to get the fumes to circulate.

I don’t know how long I’m scrubbing the floor but when Hanji comes in what’s probably hours later he asks, “Did you wake up early or just not go to sleep?”

When he looks at my face, probably full of heavy bags and mania, a look of concern surfaces.

“Oh Levi,” he says. “C’mere.”

I get up on shaky legs, dropping the brush I’d been scrubbing the floor with on the sink before falling into Hanji’s waiting arms. He knows exactly what this is about. “I’m so proud of you,” he says. “You really, _really_ wanted to, didn’t you? But you didn’t do it. I’m so proud of you.”

I weakly clutch his t-shirt and bury my face in his shoulder. And I cry. And I cry so hard I’m not sure where the tears are coming from anymore. “I’m sorry Hanji,” I blubber quietly.

He pets my hair and I let him lead me over to his bed. “I’m gonna get ready for work now, okay?” he coos quietly, fixing his glasses. “Call if you need anything, I should be home by three.”

I nod silently and fall asleep almost immediately.

Fuck my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to you humans out there who are reading, this story is literally just what happens when I am given hours with nothing to do ;)


	3. Rainy Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In light of the fact that I forgot on my last update:  
> Happy birthday Heichou! And happy holidays to all my readers :D

“But should I wear the pink shirt or the green shirt with the pink stripes?”

I sigh and roll over, covering my eyes with a pillow. “Do we have to talk about this now? You’re not even leaving for a couple hours.”

“Sorry Eren,” Armin laughs. “I’m just really, really nervous is all.”

When mom, Mikasa, and I got home last night, Armin called saying he’d met a guy on the bus ride home from the mall and they had a date for lunch today. Who would’ve thought Armin would have his first date before me? “You look much cuter in the pink shirt.”

I hear clothes ruffling on the other side of the phone. “You’re right,” he says. “Thank you Eren.”

“No problem, now can I go back to sleep?”

Armin laughs. “Yeah, I guess,” he says. “I’ll call you when I get home later okay?”

“Don’t keep me waiting loverboy.”

“Wouldn’t dream if it dollface.”

He hangs up and I roll onto my stomach, dropping my phone on the floor. I close my eyes my eyes and I’m almost asleep when Mikasa comes in. “Eren, get up, mom needs you to do a few errands for her.”

“But it’s my day off,” I groan into my pillow.

“Too bad, I already have plans or else I’d be going to help too.”

“What kind of plans do _you_ have?” I ask, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

“I’m taking Annie to a museum for our anniversary.”

“What does mom need me to do?”

“Call her yourself, I have to go.”

I sigh and get out of bed. Mikasa is already gone by the time I’m halfway done brushing my teeth. I run a comb through my hair while I go back to my room and go through my closet. I pull on a pair of jeans and pale green t-shirt.

I dial my mom while I pull on my sneakers. “Eren, are you on your way out of the house?”

“Yeah mom, I’m leaving now, what do I have to do?”

“First I need you to go to the grocery store for me; we’re out of milk and eggs and I need you to pick out something for us for dinner. After you take the groceries home I need you to call the diner and order lunch for the two of us. Sasha and Connie didn’t come in so I can’t leave to get something to eat.”

“But the diner doesn’t deliver mom.”

“That’s why I told you to order for youself too, you’re going to pick it up and bring it here. After lunch I need you to help stock the shelves for me.”

“Is that all mom?”

“Grab an umbrella, it might rain on our way here.”

I groan. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

“Sorry sweetie,” she says, but I can hear her concealing a laugh. “Oh, I have a call on the other line, see you soon.”

I shove my phone in my pocket and search my closet briefly for an umbrella. I find an old, dark purple one with a pattern of white hearts, a white ruffle fringe, and a white heart on the end of the handle. It was Mikasa’s when we were kids, I’m thankful she was never the kind of girl who liked pink too much. Deciding I probably won’t find anything else, I take it. I grab my keys before running downstairs and leaving the house.

My mom is right, I’m only a block away from home when the rain starts. I begrudgingly open the umbrella and try to speed walk the rest of the way to the grocery store. At least the trip feels fairly quick, though it’s nearly noon when I leave and I regret not checking the clock before I left home to see long I was actually there.

It’s still raining on my way home so I have to carry everything in one hand and worry about my shoulder aching later. I call the diner while I’m putting the groceries away and change into dry shoes and grab a hoodie from my closet before leaving again. Carrying the umbrella is really beginning to wear on my nerves.

When I get to the diner, I see the first person stupid enough to walk in the rain besides myself all day. I freeze when I realize it’s the man with the piercings from yesterday. He’s smoking and standing as close to the diner as he can to avoid as much of the rain as possible. Feeling more bold than usual, I walk over and hold the umbrella over him. He looks up at me and I decide that on close range, he looks a little less scary. “I- uh, you looked like you needed an umbrella,” I say, trying not to meet his eyes.

He takes a drag on his cigarette and looks up at me. He’s much shorter than I thought he’d be; even in boots the top of his head only reaches my nose. He blows the smoke away from me and says, “You work here don’t you?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Why are you here if you aren’t working?”

“I’m picking up lunch for my mom.”

He smirks at me. “How cute.”

My eyebrows furrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shakes his head. “You seem like a really good kid is all,” he mutters. “Although your taste is music is questionable.”

“How would you know about my taste is music?”

“The first time I saw you, you were shaking your ass better than a few strippers I know to _Hella Good_ while mopping. I’m more of an Amy Winehouse man than a Gwen Stefani one is all.”

My face immediately goes red. “Isn’t Amy Winehouse that crazy girl who sang that song about rehab?”

He rolls his eyes. “You say that as though _Rehab_ is the only song she’s ever done, she released two albums before she died and one posthumously, that song is pretty low on my list of favorites.”

I smile at the sudden passion in his eyes. “I’ll have to look her up when I go home then,” I say. “Although I have to say you don’t look like you’d be a fan of someone like her.”

“What do you mean?”

“You were wearing an Aerosmith t-shirt yesterday.”

He rolls his eyes. “I can’t just wear a t-shirt?”

I shrugs. “You can wear whatever you want, I just assumed you liked them cause of your shirt is all.”

“That’s a stupid assumption.”

“Well it’s stupid to assume I like Gwen Stefani just 'cause I was dancing to one song.”

“Do you not like her?”

My ears go warm. “Well, I like No Doubt, I didn’t like when she went off on her own though.”

“But you do like her.”

“Well I also like dancing to the song _Like a Virgin_ but I don’t like Madonna.”

He smirks at me. “Man, Hanji is gonna flip when he hears that.”

“What?”

“My older brother is a drag queen who specializes in his Madonna impression. He’ll be upset you don’t like her too.”

“Why would he care?”

“He was there at the same time I first saw you, when he saw you dancing he told me he wanted to dress you in a drag and make you dance at the club he usually performs at.”

“Your brother wants to dress me in drag?”

“I gotta say you do have a face that would take the makeup pretty well but I also think it’s weird that he always wants to dress up strangers.”

“Are you a drag queen too?”

He shrugs. “I thought about it, I don’t have the money or the energy for it right now.” His expression goes cryptic. “I used to cross dress a little for a while though.”

“Used to?”

“Ex-boyfriend was into it.”

I blush. “So you just… for bed?”

“No, I went out like that,” he says. “It wasn’t just a sex thing.”

We stand in silence for a moment. “I’m Eren, by the way,” I say.

“I know, I’ve seen your nametag more than once.”

“Oh,” I blush. I can’t figure out why he keeps making me do that.

“My name is Levi.”

“Levi,” I repeat quietly.

He stubs out his cigarette. “Thanks, kid,” he says and starts walking away.

“Wait,” I say. He turns back to me. “I, uh, take my umbrella, I have a hood I can wear.”

“That girly, purple thing?”

I just stare at him for a moment, taking in his eyes. I didn't realize until just now how pretty a shade of grey they are. “Well, yeah.”

He gives me a half smile and walks over. “I thought you might be sweet,” he says and takes the umbrella. He leans up and kisses my cheek. “I’m glad I was right.”

He walks away and I stand frozen again, ignoring how wet the rain is making my head and shoulders.

* * *

On the front of mom’s bookstore is a big, hand-painted sign that reads “The Hole in the Wall” and underneath, in smaller writing, reads “Trost’s #1 Bookstore”. It's mom’s pride and joy next to Mikasa and I. After dad died, I spent so much time here I have more memories about perusing the stacks those years than I do of elementary school.

Mom is trying to help more people than she can handle when I walk in. She’s ringing up one person, while two others are in line and she’s trying to tell a pair of girls where the summer reading section is. I take over mom’s place at the register and she goes to more properly help the girls.

Once those girls are rung up, the shop is empty again. “Jeez,” mom says, leaning on the counter. “You wouldn’t think a bookstore would be this busy.” I chuckle as mom stands back at full height. A shocked look comes to her face. “Oh my God, Eren, you’re soaked, couldn’t you find an umbrella?”

I shrug. “I didn’t look very hard, I didn’t think it was going to rain this hard.”

“I hope our lunches aren’t soggy.”

I put the plastic bags on top of the counter. “They shouldn’t be, I asked Jean to triple bag them.”

We start eating and mom looks up at me.  “When did you get this tall Eren? I didn’t used to have to look up to see your face.”

I shrug. “Maybe you’re just shrinking.”

She laughs and reaches up to ruffle my hair. “My sweet little boy’s becoming a man so fast.” She sips at her soda. “Did you fill out those applications I asked you to, by the way?”

“I don’t know why you want me to so bad, I’m not going to college until after I’m done serving.”

She shrugs. “I just want you to keep the option open in case you decide not to enlist,” she says. “I know your dad wanted you to but I don’t want you to if you don’t _really_ want to.”

“I _do_ want to.”

“Eren,” she walks over and takes both my hands. “I just want you to _really_ think about it, okay? Just think about why you want to. When you can give me a reason other than that your father did it, then I’ll stop nagging you about it, alright?”

“Okay mom.”

She smiles at me. “Thank you.”

When we’re done eating, mom starts sweeping while I take our trash out back to the dumpster. When I come back, a man in a particularly ill-fitting, khaki uniform walks in. He’s blonde and out of breath and I think I see the shape of a flask through his pocket. I’ve known this man most of my life because he’s been in charge of mom’s shipments since the shop opened, but for some reason I can never remember his name. “Good morning, Mrs. Jaeger,” the man says with a smile.

“Morning Hannes,” mom replies.

“The delivery truck is outback with your shipment.”

While mom signs the papers, Hannes looks at me. “Hey Eren,” he greets me with a smile. “You gonna help me carry boxes in again?”

“I guess,” I reply, going around to the other side of the counter. “I hope you weren’t the one driving, your breath stinks like alcohol.”

“Nah one of the younger guys drove us.”

I follow him to the back of the store and out the back door. I prop open the door with an old crate and Hannes gets up into the back of the truck to hand the boxes down to me. I’m entirely unsurprised when he almost falls out of the truck when he hands me the first box.

After we get the boxes in the storeroom, mom tells me I can go home when I’m done doing inventory and restocking the floor. At least she’s letting me listen to my ipod over the shop’s stereo system while I work. It’s nearly five o’clock when I get to the last five boxes and I’m fairly sure almost no one will be in until after dinnertime. I’m dancing while putting books back now, especially since _You Can Do It_ by No Doubt came on. It’s easily my all-time favorite song. “ _Unfortunately this is the case. You’ve got to catch up and win the race. Oh, straighten yourself out. You can do-_ “

“Get it boy!”

My face goes hot immediately and I turn, almost tripping I turn so fast. “Ah- hi, may I help you?”

It’s a tall man with shaggy dark hair and glasses. He’s grinning at me like a jewel thief who's just found a rare diamond. “Well I came in looking for Mrs. Jaeger but those hips sure are distracting me.”

My face goes even hotter and I wonder where my mom went. I hear a sigh and look past the man with the glasses to see a much shorter figure. “Hanji, isn’t he a little young for you?”

It’s Levi. Even as he looks at me now his eyes are no less intense. Hanji looks back at Levi. “What? You think I-” he looks back at me, his expression apologetic. “I’m sorry sweetie. That must’ve sounded like a come on, I just meant I like your dancing.”

“Idiot.” Levi sighs again and crosses his arms.

“Oh,” I say, looking at Hanji. “Thank you.”

He grins at me. “Anyway, is Mrs. Jaeger around?”

“She was just here, she must’ve gone in the back. I’ll go get her.”

I almost drop the books I was putting up on my way to the back. “Hey mom, there’s some people here to see you!” I call as I look around.

“Tell them I’ll be right out Eren!”

I go back out, slightly nervous around these two men. “She’ll be out in a minute,” I tell Hanji.

“So you’re her son?” he asks. “I know she told me she had one but I didn’t think you’d be this much of a cutie.” My face goes warm again. “Don’t worry kid, you’re not quite my type. I’m a performer so I really appreciate a person with a nice face who knows the right way to move.”

I look at him for a moment, and then in clicks. “You’re Levi’s drag queen brother.”

“How’d you know that?”

I look at Levi. “He told me earlier.”

Hanji gasps, turning dramatically to the shorter man. “I know you seemed like you were in a better mood when I got home, but you didn’t tell me you actually spoke to him!”

Levi sighs and rolls his eyes. “I don’t have to tell you everything, Hanji.”

“It would be very nice of you though,” mom says as she walks in from the back.

“Darling!” Hanji shouts, rushing towards mom and pulling her into a hug. “It’s been entirely too long.”

“Good to see you too Hanji,” mom says, giggling. “I was surprised you called, it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you could help me with something.”

“Anything,” mom replies.

“I was wondering if you had any job openings,” Hanji says, tugging Levi up beside him. "This one just moved in around here and needs a place to work.”

Mom appraises Levi silently. I can tell she’s weighing how it would look if she hired someone with that many pieces of metal in their face. “I might have an opening,” she says. “If you come in the back with me, I’d like to give you a quick interview.”

“Okay,” Levi says and follows her into the back.

I look at Hanji. “How do you know my mom?”

Hanji smiles. “I met your mom when I was seventeen and trying to deal with being gay. I came in here and she recommended me a few books and I kept coming back. I started to think of her like a mother figure a little and when I told her I wanted to start doing drag she was more encouraging than anyone else I knew, so we became friends. She showed me how to do my makeup and helped me experiment with a style until I found one.”

“Why hasn’t she ever mentioned you?”

“It had only been about a year since your dad died, I suspect she didn’t want to rock the boat any more than it’d already rocked.”

We don’t talk as I put more of the books back, until I come up with another question. “Do you really look like Madonna when you’re in drag?”

Hanji grins. “If your mom thinks it’s alright I can bring you to a show sometime.”

“Really?”

“Yep,” he replies. “If you want I can take you to my dressing room so you can see what I have to do to change.”

“That sounds pretty cool,” I reply.

He steps closer to me and appraises my face. “You have really good bone structure you know,” he says. “You have no idea how much I wanna smack some makeup on you and shove you in a dress.”

“Levi told me you wanted to.”

Hanji shrugs. “I won’t actually do it unless you want me to, I just wanted to tell you I do want to.”

I turn back to the shelves to put more books up. “Are you and Levi really brothers, you don’t look very similar.”

Hanji leans against a shelf. “He’s my step-brother, or, I mean, he was.”

I nod. “Did your parents get a divorce or something?”

Hanji is quiet. “No, but that’s a story for another time.”

I look back at him with confusion, only to be faced with an ambiguously pensive expression. “What do-“

“-and I’ll have Eren train you tonight and tomorrow morning.”

Mom walks in smiling with Levi in tow. “Thank you, Mrs. Jaeger,” Levi says.

“No trouble,” she replies. “I look forward to working with you.” She turns to me. “Eren, do you mind working late to show Levi what to do?”

“Today was supposed to be my day off, mom,” I say.

“Don’t complain sweetheart, you don’t have to work fulltime yet. Then you’re really gonna need your day off instead of just wanting it.”

I look around at the three people in the room with me, wanting to just go home but unwilling to make my mom stay late in my stead. I sigh. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Great,” mom says. “Hanji, would you like to join me for dinner?”

Hanji grins. “I’d love to.”

“I’ll probably be back around seven with your dinner,” mom says, kissing my forehead. “See you later sweetie.”

“Bye mom,” I reply.

Hanji pulls Levi into a tight hug that makes Levi go completely rigid and start struggling. “Oh, I am so sorry!” he says, letting go of his brother. “I completely forgot.”

“Whatever,” Levi replies, crossing his arms.

Hanji ruffles his hair playfully. “See you later sweetie pie!”

“Go away Hanji.”

Hanji just smiles at him and squeezes his shoulder briefly before leaving with mom. “I hope Hanji didn’t drive you too crazy while we were in the back.”

“Ah, no, he’s great actually.”

“He can be a bit of a handful is all,” he adds.

“He wants me to go see him in drag.”

Levi sighs audibly. “He would invite you to something like that. You don’t have to humor him if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to,” I say. “It seems like fun.”

Levi snorts. “Whatever floats your boat.”

“Um, do you want me to show you around the store first, or show you how to use the register?”

“The register, please.”

I spend the next hour actually teaching him and after that we sit in quiet as a small handful of customers come in and out. In the lulls between customers, I watch him as subtly as I can manage. The piercings are less overwhelming to look at when I have time to sit and look at them individually. There’re a lot of them but they look kind of cool the more I look. The more I stare at the ones on his neck, the more I want to touch them. “Would you rather I give you a picture?”

“What?” I ask.

“You’re staring.”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “Your piercings are really interesting to look at though. Did they hurt a lot?”

“Only some of them,” Levi replies. “You kind of just have to suck it up if you want them.”

I nod. “I’ve thought about getting pierced before.”

“Oh really?”

“I decided I couldn’t though cause I’m a little worried about how it would look in the future to have a hole in my face.” He stands and checks his pockets. “Where’re you going?”

“I need to smoke,” he says. “I’ll be right back.”

“Just don’t go out front,” I reply. “Mom doesn’t like employees smoking where customers might see.”

“Has she seen my face?”

When he disappears into the back, the bell on the door rings as the door swings open. “Eren?”

“Hey Armin,” I say with a smile. When I turn, my smile disappears. Behind my best friend towers a blonde giant. “Um, hello. How’d you two know I was here?”

“We went to see you at your house but your mom said you were training a new employee, so I thought I’d just come visit you here,” Armin replies, walking them both further into the shop and closing the door. “Eren, this is my boyfriend Erwin. Erwin, this is my very best friend Eren.”

“Nice to meet you,” Erwin says and holds out his hand to shake.

“Yeah,” I reply, cautiously shaking his hand. Something about this guy feels off. He seems too old or maybe it’s something in his eyes putting me off. To cover up my discomfort I say, “Man you’re tall.”

Erwin laughs. “That was what Armin said too.”

When Levi comes back in he stops in his tracks, his eyes a little wide and his mouth slightly agape. “Erwin,” he breathes.

Erwin smiles, but nothing about the look reaches his eyes. It’s beguiling and somehow territorial. The way it’s making Levi look is making me more uncomfortable by the second. “Levi,” he says. “The last time I saw you your hair was past your shoulders and you were wearing the shortest pants I’d ever seen on a man.”

“Fuck off Erwin,” Levi growls, but his voice shakes and I can tell Erwin notices.

“Don’t be that way,” Erwin drawls. “I’m just curious where you’ve been for the past two months.”

Levi crosses his arms over his chest, glaring as viciously as he's capable.

“Hey Armin,” I say hastily, trying to force the room’s tension away. “My mom said she was going to bring me dinner earlier, would you mind going to pick it up so she doesn’t have to leave the house?”

Armin looks at Erwin, and then back at me. “Sure,” he says. “C’mon Erwin.”

Armin gives me a look like he wants to make it clear we’re talking about this later. I give him a curt nod and look back at Levi as the door swings shut again. “Wha-“

“I’m not talking about that,” Levi says, slumping onto the stool behind the counter. “But thank you for getting him out of here.”

“Sure,” I reply.

I can tell already we aren’t talking for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooo, Erwin's going with Armin now~


	4. Serious Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone :D  
> I'm thoroughly enjoying what comments I'm getting from you, it's very nice to see people enjoying this.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter as well.

Closing time is at nine o’ clock.

By eight-thirty I already have knots in my stomach at the thought of running into Erwin alone. Especially since he knows I’m here and probably already knows when we’re closing. I’m bouncing my foot and chewing on my thumbnail and it’s probably pretty obvious something is wrong with me. “Levi?” Eren asks anxiously. Yup, he can tell.

“Yeah brat?”

He just stares at me for a moment, as though he’s unsure about what he wants to say. “Are you alright?”

I shrug, because there’s no use in lying but I don’t really want to tell him the truth.

“Is this about Erwin being here earlier?”

At that, I freeze. “You really don’t want to be a part of this kid,” I say quietly. “And if you’re worried about your friend, you don’t have a reason to be other than that Erwin is _way_ older than that kid can probably handle. Erwin’s a good guy, I just fucked up what there was of our friendship.”

“What do-“

“If I try to tell you anything about us I’ll be giving you more information than you can handle kid, I promise you don’t want or need to know.”

“But like, is he gonna try to hurt you or something?”

I snort. “Were you paying attention at all? I was clearly the more volatile of the two of us when he was here. He is genuinely concerned about me you know. I just can’t be around him anymore.”

“What about Armin, is he gonna be in way over his head with a guy like that?”

“I know Erwin looks really imposing but it’s not his style to force people into anything. Your friend is fine.” Eren still looks uncomfortable with the thought. “If you’re that worried, ask your friend if you can meet him. He’s a lot less scary when you talk to him.”

Eren sighs and leans over the counter. “I just wanna go home.”

Funny, cause I just wanna be snorting coke right now.

At nine o’ clock he locks the front door and turns over the open sign. He turns off the music in the back and then comes back over to me. “Do you want me to show you how to sign out of the register or do you want to try?”

I shrug and look down at the register. He does it for me and tells me he’s going to watch me do it tomorrow because it’s pretty simple. “I highly doubt Mikasa’s gonna come get me and the fact that mom’s not here yet tells me she’s probably still preoccupied with your brother, so, do you wanna walk home with me so I can get mom’s car and give you a ride home or do you just want to walk?”

I bite the inside of my cheek. I feel a little better at the thought being with Eren instead of going home alone. “If you wouldn’t mind driving me home,” I mutter.

We go outside to find that though the rain has stopped, the streets are still wet and it smells like earth. Eren stretches. “I love being outside after it rains,” he says, smiling.

“I hate being outside no matter what time of day it is.”

Eren frowns at me as we begin walking. “You’re kind of a downer, you know.”

“As though being optimistic is gonna make everything okay.”

The frown he’s giving me looks more like a pout and I just want to wrap his stupid cute fucking face around my dick and rip him in half. Only that would mean he would have to touch me and I have a hard time with _Hanji_ touching me on a good day. What a quandary.

“I know firsthand what that kind of thinking does to people is all.”

“Trust me,” I reply. “It’s nothing worse than what the drugs have already done.”

Eren’s eyes widen when he looks at me. “Were you on, like,” he pauses and looks around before whispers a little overdramatically, “Heroine?”

I roll my eyes. “Among other things.”

He just nods absently to himself. “Mikasa’s girlfriend used to snort coke.”

“You can’t be serious.”

He nods. “It’s why Annie moved here actually. She was stealing money from her dad and buying it off her friend’s cousin, he found out, sent her to rehab, and then her parents decided it would be best if she moved in with her mom here.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Mikasa and I go to NA meetings with her sometimes,” he tells me. “If I didn’t already have a great set of reasons not to get high, those certainly gave me a few.”

“What kind of reasons?”

“Well this one woman told a story about her parents not letting her home for Christmas and when she woke up that morning her socks were frozen into the shapes of her feet and-“

“No,” I sigh. “ _Your_ reasons.”

He looked a little uncertain for a moment, but I wasn’t about to drop the question. I couldn’t figure out why, but I just really wanted him to keep talking to me.

“Well,” he starts. “I’ve kind of got a reputation to uphold, and grades to keep up. Not to mention my mom and Mikasa both need me since dad died. Plus I found other ways to deal with the stress.”

I cock an eyebrow. “Why doesn’t that sound like everything?”

He watches his feet for a little while. “Because it’s not, my way of dealing with it isn’t very healthy either.”

I look over at him. “You look fine to me.”

“That’s the point,” he says. “I have a reputation remember, I can’t let anyone find out what’s wrong with me.”

I snort. “What could possibly be that bad about your life? I mean it sucks you’ve only got one parent, trust me I know from experience, but at least the family you have loves you and that’s more than I got when my mom died.”

“I don’t expect you to understand the kind of stress I have, but it drives me crazy that I’ve been living in a box my entire life always afraid to take a step out of it. As it is the only people who I’ve officially told I’m gay are Mikasa and Armin, none of the rest of our family or any of the people we go to school with would understand. Not to mention I barely get to do anything fun ‘cause I’m afraid people at school will think I’m strange for liking something they don’t expect. I can’t wait to go see Hanji’s show because it will probably be the most interesting thing I get out of my teenage years and I won’t even be able to tell anyone about it.”

I just stare at him as he tugs his fingers through his hair. “What did you mean your way of dealing with it wasn’t healthy?”

He looks at me uncertainly. I think he might be trying to decide how much he can trust me. “I haven’t even told Mikasa about this,” he says, almost just to himself.

“You don’t have to, kid. I’m probably not the person you want to leave with a secret anyway.”

God, this kid was turning me into a marshmallow, I’m not this nice to anyone. Ever.

He stares at me, and he almost says something when we are interrupted. “Eren! Levi! Guess what!” Eren just looks flustered while I glare at Hanji. He definitely looks drunk and he only awaits a response for a second before shouting, “I totally just found Carla’s VIBRATOR.”

Eren’s face goes bright red and this time I just want to shove him up against the hood of the nearby car and devour his mouth. These urges are really getting out of hand.

Eren looks at me. “Is he the kind of drunk that’ll kick me while I’m driving?”

I shrug. “I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Do you just wanna stay the night so I don’t run the risk of crashing us?”

“If your mom’s still sober I’ll ask her to-“

“Hanji, what’re you doing out here? Oh, hey Eren!” mom breaks into giggles and leans on Hanji heavily.

“Never mind that then,” I mumble.

“Do you want me to just drive you home and Hanji’ll just come home in the morning?”

I don’t really like the idea of being left alone. At all. After last night I feel a little unsafe being home without Hanji. But where else is there to go? “I-“

A car pulls into the driveway and Eren grins. The car doesn’t shut off but out pops Mikasa. “Hey Eren, Annie and I are going to a meeting, you wanna tag along?”

“Actually, yeah, could we drop him off on our way?”

“Sure, get in.”

“Come on,” the brat says and leads me to his sister’s car.

The two of us get in the backseat and I give Mikasa directions. Looking at the two of them a little more closely, they look less similar than I thought at first glance. Mikasa’s hair is pure black and much silkier than Eren’s, her skin more olive than his tan. The have the same nose, ears, and jawline as their mom but there was something about their eyes; neither of them had Carla’s but they didn’t look like each other either.

Not that it’s any of my business what’s going on in their family.

When we get to the apartment, Eren says, “See you tomorrow morning.”

While I’m getting out of the car I wonder why neither Mikasa nor Annie asked about me. As I light a cigarette in the stairwell, I realize the brat never answered my question.

* * *

“Eren’s waiting for you outside.”

Hanji stumbles in as I make myself a cup of coffee. “What?”

He plops into a seat at the table and looks up at me. “He offered to drive me home since Carla and I are both seriously hung over and he told me to tell you he’d drive you to the bookstore today.”

I roll my eyes. “That brat,” I mutter. “Don’t suppose you have a travel mug?”

Hanji drops his head on the table. “In the cabinet.”

I transfer my coffee over and put my leather jacket on. “There’s still some coffee in the pot,” I tell my brother.

“You’re a saint.”

“I’ll be home later.”

He’s snoring by the time I open the door. At the bottom of the stairwell, Eren is waiting in Mikasa’s car. In the light of morning I can actually see what it is; a 2000 Ford Focus in this weird sparkly shade of dark green. I strongly suspect a previous owner had it painted because I can’t think of a car company that would advertise this color. I swing into the passenger’s seat and Eren looks at the cup in my hands longingly. “Is that coffee?” he asks.

“Absolutely.”

“Goddamnit,” he says, and as though on reflex goes to cover his mouth with his hand.

“What, you think a little cursing’s going to offend me?”

He pulls out of the parking lot and we’re on our way. “Well I’m just not used to being around people who don’t care.”

“You really are a little goodie-goodie.”

Eren makes a face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I cock an eyebrow at him. “You don’t know? Mr. ‘I have a reputation and have to keep my grades up or else’!” I fake gasp. “It would just be awful if someone saw me looking less than perfect. Oh what am I to do in this little small town life? I guess I’ll just rot here and never have any fun because that’s better than letting people see beneath this fucked up mask.”

Where did that come from?

His expression twists into one of anger, but I can tell he’s pushing it back. I get the feeling he has to do that a lot. I don’t know why, but I push. “God, kid, would you just get angry? It’s not healthy to force yourself calm when you get worked up.”

“I don’t have any other choice,” he says, gritting his teeth.

“Sure you do, everyone has a choice.”

“I don’t,” Eren says.

“Yes you do. You can choose to let yourself be angry in the exact same way to choose to force your anger away.”

“No I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I just can’t. Dad wouldn’t want me that way.”

“I thought your dad died.”

“Exactly. If my dad were here he wouldn’t want me snapping at people or doing crazy things.”

“So what?” I ask. “Teenagers are supposed to snap at people and do crazy things. It’s in the goddamn job description.”

“Not for me.”

His expression is concentrated, and much like last night, I _really_ just want to fuck the shit out of his face. Why do I keep having these thoughts at such inappropriate moments? I sigh and stare out the window, content to be quiet for the rest of the ride.

When we get there, there’s already a girl sitting behind the counter. “Morning Eren,” she grins, looking surprised. “I thought Sasha was supposed to be in today.”

“Hey Christa,” Eren says. “I’m not even supposed to be in today but mom wants me to train this guy.”

“Hello,” Christa says to me. “I’m Christa, I’m usually here on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday mornings and afternoons.”

“Levi,” I say and nod at her. She didn’t seem overly nervous about my face either. What is up with the people around here?

“I’m going to show him around the stock room so if you need help just shout,” Eren says and leads me into the back.

The setup is simple and I have it down after he shows me everything the first time, but I let him lead me around twice just to listen to him keep talking. When he’s done with the stockroom he shows me a map of the floor, which sections are where and how many books to keep out at any given time. “You seem to like it here,” I tell him while he’s trying to quiz me on everything he just went over.

He smiles kind of softly. “I’ve always liked it here.”

“Are you going to take it over when you’re older in place of your mom?”

“Oh no,” he says. “There’s a lot of things I still want to do before I settle here for good.”

“Like go to my brother’s drag show?”

Eren snorts. “That too. But I also want to travel, you know? I feel like most people get wanderlust at some point though.”

“Not everyone,” I say. “I’m not overly interested in going around, living in filthy places, and being miserable by myself.”

“Well, I won’t be going alone. It wouldn’t be as much fun alone.”

I just stare at him as he seems busy staring at something. “You still never told me what you do that’s so unhealthy.”

His expression barely changes but it seems darker suddenly. “It doesn’t make anything better,” he says. “To be honest I don’t even know why I do it, except that it just feels like it’s the most honest I ever am, outside of talking to you for some reason.”

He stares directly into my eyes and I wonder if he feels what I feel when I look at him when he looks at me. An unquestioned but confusing understanding that we’re more similar than our surfaces, that we can be more like ourselves than we’ve let other people see. I get the feeling that that little sliver of anger he showed me earlier is more than he’s ever shown anyone, and, as he tugs off his t-shirt, I feel the need for reciprocity.

When I see what he’s set out to show me, I know that has to wait.

Between his black undershirt clad chest and his arms that look more muscular naked than covered by his shirt, on the undersides of his upper arms are long, thin scars. The same type of scars I see Hanji covering with makeup on his thighs when he wears short outfits in his shows. Some looked years old, others only looked _days_ old. Suddenly I become acutely aware of how shitty it is that I can’t stand touching people. Suddenly I wish I could hold him because this boy, this boy who looks so much like he has everything together, is crumbling.

His expression still doesn’t change, he just watches me while I stare at him and try not to cry.

The same way Hanji stared at me when I cried for him.

“This is what I meant when I said I knew first-hand what that kind of thinking does,” he says. “I don’t really know how to stop it other than to pretend of be happy as often as possible.”

“Just pretending never helps,” I mutter. “You have to find real things to make you feel better.”

“I know, I just don’t know how.”

We sit in silence for a long moment while he puts his shirt back on. “I can’t touch people,” I say.

“What?”

“I can’t handle touching people.” I take deep breath. “When I was living on the streets getting high all the time, I prostituted for money and it screwed up my head, I can’t handle touching people anymore. It’s half the reason me and Erwin aren’t together anymore.”

Eren stares at me and I fidget with my fingernails to avoid his eyes. Suddenly he starts chuckling and I look up at him. He leans back on a stack of boxes and the chuckles turn into full on laughter. I frown and punch him in the arm, which only seems to make him laugh harder. “What the hell is your problem? I just opened up a wound for you and you’re fucking laughing at me!”

“No, no, I’m not laughing at you,” he says through the giggles. “I’m laughing at the situation. I just met you officially _yesterday_ and I think this is one of the most serious conversations I’ve ever had!”

His laughing confuses me for a moment more, and then suddenly I’m smiling too and laughing with him. Decidedly, his laughing face is my favorite.

Even if it makes me uncomfortable, I just want to kiss that smile off his face. Not that I do.

I figured it would ruin the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi's such a cutie. I wish he wouldn't, like, die if I tried to hug him. Xo Damnit.


	5. Pink and Glitter Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this took a while, I spent all last week preparing for kotoricon yesterday so I was little too busy to write unfortunately '^.^ heh heh
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter!

Some mornings I just wake up with a weight sitting directly on my chest.

Some mornings when I am getting ready, standing at the mirror in the bathroom, I wonder if I will be caught the next time I split my skin open, if the next time will be in a few minutes.

Some mornings I think about telling Mikasa.

Some mornings I wonder if I’ll make it to the evening.

Most mornings, I do nothing but wonder.

Other mornings, I talk myself into wasting the rest of the day in bed.

This morning is one of those. Mikasa is out with Annie and mom and Levi are at the bookstore, so I lay in bed and stare at the cloudy sky through my window. It feels good not to be trying to impress someone for a little while, not to be pressured into being Eren Jaeger: Grisha and Carla’s son, or Eren Jaeger: the number five student at Trost High, or Eren Jaeger: Mikasa’s kid brother. I can just be Eren for a little bit.

I feel my cheeks heat up slightly when I realize I always just feel like Eren when I’m around Levi. It’s been two weeks since that day at the bookstore and we’ve started hanging out when neither of us were working. And actually, even sometimes when we’re working too; Levi will sometimes come to the diner to sketch and order ice tea and French fries, and sometimes I go find things that need to be done at the bookstore.

It occurs to me I haven’t had a day like this since before I met Levi.

I roll over, folding my arm under my head. I see scars in the corner of my eye and it occurs to me the most recent ones are almost entirely healed over. I almost want to sit up and look at the ones on my legs but figure that would waste entirely too much of my energy. My cell phone starts ringing and I roll over to look at it, unsure if I have the will to answer. The number comes up unknown so there’s no real pressure to answer, unless it’s my boss from one of the customers phones (he didn’t like making calls from the diner phone but he often let his cell phone when he was working, forcing him to borrow a stranger’s). I really don’t even want to answer.

I do anyway. “Hello?”

“Where the hell are you, brat? It’s practically dead here and I don’t have anyone to pick on.”

I sit up, suddenly energized. “Levi? How’d you get my number?”

“Your mom, stupid, she’s been in the back all morning so I went through her phone for your number.”

I snort. “You must be really bored to want to talk to me.”

“I can’t just like talking to you?”

My cheeks flush. “I guess so?”

“Anyway, get your butt down here. Once I get off Hanji’s picking us up, he’s got a surprise for you.”

“What kind of surprise?”

“It wouldn’t be one if I told you, shitty brat.”

“Okay, see you later.”

“See you.”

I hang up and drop my phone on my bed beside my thigh. I had sat completely up, blankets off with my legs crossed. Looking down at my lap, I realize I’d only worn my boxers to bed because of the recent heat wave and could see the scars there in their full glory. I look away, trying to push them from my mind so I can keep my momentum going; I can’t disappoint Levi by not showing up.

I get up and look in the full body mirror mounted on the wall, trying not to linger on how my skin looks a little paler than usual and how my hair doesn’t seem as shiny. I look like I’ve been losing a little weight recently but I frown when I can still see fat on my stomach below my belly button. I’m struggling to remember when I last ate. Things at the bookstore have gotten really busy recently and most of Mikasa’s time not at the diner she’s been spending with Annie. I’ve been skipping meals since neither of those two are around making sure I’m eating.

I’m not really sure if I’m doing it on purpose or not.

I yawn and stretch, a little grossed out at how my stomach looks when I reach up. I turn to open my dresser. Today is probably hotter than yesterday but wearing a tank top is dangerous and I don’t know if I even have any shorts. Reaching into my top drawer I grab fresh underwear before going into the second to pick a shirt. I end up deciding on a grey and blue striped tank top and resolve to keep my arms as close to my sides as I can.

I shrug on a pair of jeans before going to the bathroom to comb my hair. Even my face is looking a little thin I notice, staring at myself in a room better lit than my bedroom. I rub my hands on my cheeks, trying to bring a little life in but it doesn’t help much. I sigh and go downstairs, halfheartedly checking the cabinets for something I can bring with me for breakfast. All of our granola bars and poptarts are so I grab my phone and house key and begin my walk to the bookstore.

I’m halfway there when I feel the heat killing me. Summers are never this hot, I think the last time I was in weather like then was when my family went to Disney World when I was five. I’m soaking in my own sweat by the time I get into the air conditioning of the bookstore. “I’ve never been so happy to be cold,” I say as I walk inside.

“Finally,” Levi says, coming from around a shelf. “I thought you’d never get here.”

He looks down at my bare arms with a fair amount of concern. I just wave him off a sit at the counter. “It’s too hot to cover up,” I say.

He hasn’t even been wearing his jacket lately because of the weather, which was saying something because they’re usually inseparable. He shrugs and sits beside me. “Whatever you say.” He takes out his sketchbook. “Do you remember how you were sitting last time?”

I get into position. “Are you sure you don’t want to wait until I dry out again?”

He shakes his head. “You’re fine,” he says and gets out a pencil. “So what’s up with you this morning, you don’t look very good.”

“Thanks,” I reply wryly.

“No, you’re still cute I just mean you look sick.”

I shrug. “I woke up feeling kinda off, that probably has something to do with it.”

He makes a face and suddenly puts down his pencil, grabbing my wrist. The sudden touch startles me since he almost never initiates physical contact and usually when we do touch it’s accidental. “Your skin seems extra dry,” he says.

“What? But I’m still sweaty.”

He rolls his eyes. “I know what dry skin looks like brat. I’ll ask Hanji for some lotion when he comes to get us,” he says and lets my arm go.

“Levi? Was that Eren I heard?”

Mom walks up with a smile on her face. “Hi mom,” I say, smiling at her.

“Hey sweetie,” she says and kisses the top of my head. “Isn’t it nice in here today? First day in forever there haven’t been people bustling around constantly.”

“It’s quiet,” I reply, nodding.

She looks over at Levi. “Eren, have you seen his drawings? Levi is incredible.”

I nod. “He’s been working on a portrait of me for the past couple days.”

Mom looks over his shoulder. Her expression is shocked at first, and then she grins. “Anyway, I just came out to say hi, come let me know when you’re leaving Eren.”

She goes back into the back of the store and Levi’s hand starts to move slower. In the silence I notice Amy Winehouse playing over the shop’s speakers, _Stronger Than Me_ was the name of the song if I remembered correctly. She still wasn’t my favorite artist, but she was kind of calming to listen to. I think privately that it makes sense Levi likes her, they have a similar effect on me.

Levi suddenly sets his pencil back down. “All finished,” he says and holds out his sketchbook.

Levi never ceases to amaze me with his seemingly endless talent. It is flawless, he didn’t even miss the nearly faded freckles on the tops of my cheeks. “You’re amazing Levi,” I say, grinning at him.

His expression twists into one of embarrassment and his ears heat up. “If you keep telling me things like that I’m not going to draw in front of you anymore.”

I hand him his book back. “Do you do anything else, or just draw?”

He shrugs. “When I was still in school I tried painting but I was never good at it.”

“Maybe you could try again,” I suggest gently, leaning forward on the counter.

Levi makes a face at me. He hates when I touch the counter because he says there’re too many germs from other people touching it so my face being this close must really bug him. Instead of scolding me like usual, he sighs and sits back in his chair, closing his sketchbook. “If I were rich I would want an entire room in my house devoted to my art,” he says. “Maybe then I’d try painting again.”

A week ago, when Levi were hanging out in the nearly dead diner, we’d started a game of “If I Were Rich”, it seems we still haven’t finished it yet. “Hey Levi,” I say, looking up at him. “When you were little did you want to be an artist when you grew up?”

He snorts. “For a while. Why?”

I shrug. “You seem like the type is all.”

“I think that you must’ve wanted to be an astronaut or a policeman when you grew up but I’m not assuming that.”

“I didn’t assume, that’s why I asked.”

“So what did you want to be?”

I shrug when I find there isn’t a simple answer to that question. “I’ve always told everyone I wanted to join the military, like all the other men in my family, but I think I had another dream that I never really had the nerve to tell anyone,” I trail off. Levi looks at me, his eyes telling me I should go on. “This is going to sound kinda silly alright? So don’t laugh.”

“Do I seem like the type to laugh at your childhood dream?”

I look at him and I find I’m unsure. “I wanted to be Miss Frizzle from _The Magic School Bus_ ,” I tell him, my ears feeling warm. I’m looking down until I realize Levi hasn’t made a sound. I look up to see he’s just staring at me.

“I’ve heard sillier,” he says.

“I mean, that was only briefly, I decided very shortly after that that was a little silly so I just wanted to be a teacher instead.”

“And that’s just a little boring.”

“Which I realized around the sixth grade when I decided I should give up on weird dreams and take joining the military more seriously.”

Levi makes a face at me. “You can’t have weird dreams _and_ join the military.”

I shrug. “It felt wrong to hold onto a dream I could never have.”

“It’s still dream though, you have to dream. I have dreams of one day getting to meet Vincent Van Gogh and Frida Kahlo, which clearly will never happen, but I hold onto it ‘cause shit wouldn’t that be awesome. You’ve got to have some kind of a dream.”

I think for a long moment, leaning my mouth down on my arms. What do I dream of? When something crosses my mind, I blush and decide quickly I can’t tell Levi about it. I’m comfortable talking to him about a lot of things but not that. “Does that face mean the only thing you could think of was something sexual?” he asks, shaking his head. “You naughty little scumbucket.”

I jerk up. “It wasn’t dirty, I swear!”

I really hope my mom didn’t hear that.

He rolls his eyes. “Prove it.”

“I was just thinking,” my face heats up completely and I start mumbling, “That when I get married when I’m older, I want to wear a veil. Not a dress, just a big puffy veil.”

He blinks at me and lets out a huge sigh as he turns away from me. “Goddamnit kid, you are way too cute for words sometimes.”

My face somehow gets warmer and I mutter, “Shut up Levi,” as I bury my face in my arms.

* * *

Levi’s shift ends at six-thirty but we wait inside for Hanji to come get us. Mom has already hone home and Sasha has taken over for the night. We stand by the door when Hanji texts Levi he’s only five minutes away. I lose my balance suddenly, but catch myself almost right away. I hope Levi didn’t see, but by the way he watches me after that I’m pretty sure he did.

Hanji gets to us in four and I climb quickly into the back seat, my head feeling a little woozy. Once we start moving, I lean forward to talk to Hanji. “Where are we going?” I ask. “Levi was being mean and wouldn’t tell me.”

He giggles. “I can’t tell you either sweet pea, it would ruin the surprise.”

Hanji has taken to calling me any and every pet name he can think of, sweet pea is one of the much more mild ones. “Oh come on,” I groan.

Levi reaches into the glove box and pulls something out before tossing it back at me. “You’ll need that to get in.”

In a small plastic bag is a metal pendant with two crossed over wings etched in and painted, hanging on a chain. It sort of looks like a coat of arms, just tiny and on a necklace. “What’s this?”

“I just told you,” Levi says. “Your way in. So put it on and don’t make a big deal about wearing it.”

I do as I’m told but I start getting nervous when we go into the city. Hanji parks us on a road that is eerily empty. “I like to park a little bit away so it isn’t super obvious where we’re going,” Hanji tells me. “Not that there’s anyone around right now, the place we’re going isn’t really someplace you want to leave your car.”

We walk about two blocks and suddenly there are plenty of people, and tons of lights. I blush when I realize how many of these places must be strip clubs and dance clubs and I’m pretty sure I saw at least one casino. I cling a little closer to my pair of guardians for the evening. “Hanji, I don’t know abou-“

“Here we are!” Hanji shouts and, despite the line outside, we go right up to the door.

“Hey Mike!” Hanji says to the big guy dressed in black at the door.

“Two guests today Zoe?” the tall man asks, smirking at him.

The man leans over toward me and tense up when I realize he’s smelling my _hair_. I glance over at Levi and notice immediately he’s wearing a necklace too and smirking at my reaction to Mike. “Alright,” Mike says finally. “Your guests are welcome Zoe.”

Hanji grins and him and ushers Levi and I inside, to the loud complaints of people waiting outside. He leads us into a hallway with a door to our right and at the very end a red, velvet curtain “Why’d that guy call you Zoe?” I ask.

Hanji gives me a confused look for a moment before grinning. “Oh, that’s just my stage name, Zoe Titanium.”

“Stage name?”

He goes up to the door and taps a weird but specific series of knocks. The door swings open and an incredibly tall woman greets us with a huge, made up grin. “Zoe, darling! It feels like it’s been forever.”

“Long time no see Moblit,” Hanji says, hugging her. “Is Nanaba around? I’d like to introduce her to my brother if she’s actually here today.”

“She was around here earlier I know,” Moblit says, playing with the hem on her skirt. “She helped me tuck earlier cause this skirts shorter than the ones I’m used to.”

I blink. Tuck? This person is no indeed actually female. Suddenly it hits me where we are. I’m actually going to get to see Hanji is drag tonight! “Alright,” Hanji says. “I guess I’ll try to find her later. By any chance to you know if my dressing room is locked?”

“Probably not,” Moblit says. “Last time you were here was only a week ago, Nana usually only locks them after a week and a half.”

“Thanks,” Hanji says and starts leading Levi and I into the vast room. It’s mirrored wall to wall and there are wigs and clothes and shoes everywhere. On the far side are ten doors, each with a metal placard and tons of pictures plastered on. The third door from the left has Hanji’s stage name etched into it. “This is my personal dressing room,” Hanji says. “Since I perform exclusively for this club, travelling ladies all use the main room.”

Hanji’s room is a little disorganized but otherwise well kempt. Like the main room, it’s almost wall to wall hair, clothes, and makeup. It smells intensely like hairspray with a sprinkling of sweat and perfume. I assume the vent of the ceiling gave up trying to filter out all the aerosol some time ago. I keep looking around with curiosity until I see them.

Against one wall is an enormous rack completely packed with shoes. Pumps, platforms, boots, as many different shoes as I could fathom existing. My mouth fell open slightly and I completely tuned out whatever comment Levi made to Hanji behind me. My feet carry me over without me noticing and I look at them all in awe.

A long, dreamy moment later s hand claps my shoulder. “You can try on a pair if you want,” Hanji says, smiling at me. “I don’t usually open the offer to anyone but seeing as you’re Carla’s son I can make an exception.”

“N-no, it’s alright, they probably aren’t my size anyway.”

Hanji rolls his eyes and reaches by me to pick up a pair of platform, peep toe, sling back heels I’d been eyeing. They were beautiful. The shoes and platform were coated in pale pink glitter, the rest of the shoes was matching pink satin while the outside and around the back of each shoe had fake, pink flowers sewn on them. “Go ahead,” he insists.

Levi is staring at me intently, daring me.

“Fine,” I cave, sitting at the stool at Hanji’s countertop.

I kick off my sneakers and socks while Hanji’s rummages through his clothes. “Oh! Put this on with it! Levi, you go wait in the main room.”

“Why. It’s not like-“

Hanji shoots him a look I can’t see and based on Levi’s expression I’m glad it’s not aimed at me. “Okay,” he resigns and leaves the room.

Hanji grins at my reflection in the mirror. “You are okay with being my little dress up doll right?” he asks a little sheepishly. “I kind of jumped the gun after I saw you eye fucking my shoe collection.”

I shrug. “It could be fun.”

“Great!” he says and gets to work. “But no peeking until I’m done.”

I’m faced away from the mirror and Hanji hums while he works on my hair. Even if I don’t like how I look in the end, I think seeing him this happy might make it worth it in the end. “I’m not going to make you go full face because that would take too long but I have to ask, how are your legs?”

“What do you mean?”

“Really hairy, kinda hairy, barley hairy. Boys your age are tricky with that.”

“Mikasa shaved them a face weeks ago on a dare when I fell asleep at a party with our friends and it hasn’t really grown back since.”

“Well aren’t you lucky,” he says with a slightly sour face. “I have to shave mine every other day.”

I laugh at his expression but he keeps working, he puts a headband on me I can’t see before he pulls out a makeup bag and starts on my face. “I’m only giving you mascara and lip gloss ‘cause your facial structure is feminine enough already.”

“Gee thanks,” I mutter.

“It’s a compliment,” he says with a soft smile. “You’re still young, it’s a good thing.”

When he’s done with that, he pulls me on my feet. “Take off your pants,” he says, turning to his closet.

“What?”

“You can’t put on different pants if you’re wearing those already.”

“If I’m wearing pants, why’d you ask about my leg hair?” I ask, pushing my jeans down my hips.

“They’re capris,” he says turning back to me. “We might want to tuck you, at least a little bit.”

Oh no. “Okay, I kind of know what that is. But what exactly does that entail?”

“We have to push your balls in and tape your penis back.”

 “What?! NO! That sounds incredibly painful.”

“It’s not really but if you’re that nervous I can see if I have a pair of panties in here I haven’t worn and we can make it work.”

“Please?”

He nods and goes back to his clothes. Inside a little bucket full of frills and lace I assume must be underwear. “Oh, here’s a new pair. Still have the tags on, see? I’m really glad we’re really close in size.” I was relieved to see they were plain and white, with a tiny pink bow on the back. “Now where did I put those pads?”

“Pads?”

“Yeah, like girls use for their periods, some queens, myself included, use them to smooth out the crotch area when we don’t do a full tuck. Just to warn you in might be uncomfortable to sit after we do this.”

He sticks a pad inside the panties for me and hands them over. “I won’t look,” he says. “Just try to get your penis backward between your legs and we can tape the panties to you if you don’t think it’ll stay.”

I take a deep breath and shuck off my own underwear, pulling Hanji’s. “This is weird,” I say once they’re on.

“You can take them off as soon as I get a picture of you, alright?”

I nod and he smiles before handing me a piece of fabric covered in pale pink glitter. “These are your pants,” he says. “The only reason I needed you to tuck it their kind of tight and I didn’t think you’d want people ogling you through them while you’re wearing them.”

I pull them on and Hanji walks up to me. “I’m going to have to blindfold you now to put this top on, alright?”

I nod and he smiles again, wrapping a scarf gently around my head. He helps me get my shirt off and I’d be worried about his reaction to my arms if he hadn’t already seen them when I was napping at his and Levi’s apartment a few days ago. It’s a long moment before he’s back, and pulling and incredibly light piece of fabric over my head, zipping me in. He nudged me toward the stool and I sit down so he can put the shoes on me.

He takes off the blindfold and fiddles with my hair for a second before pulling me onto my feet. “Ready?” he asks, completely giddy.

He pulls me over to a part of the room where the counter isn’t covering the bottom part of the mirror and I find the heels are easier to walk in than I expected.

My heart is pounding.

When Hanji turns me around I barely recognize the person in the mirror. The top reaches in the middle of the thighs but it’s so light I can see why Hanji was worried about people looking at my crotch. It’s a tank top, the straps are as glittery as the pants and the bottom hem is lined with the same flowers as the shoes. The top is tight until it hits my waist, where the fabric floats and does its own thing, giving me a shape I never could’ve gotten any other way. The heels are making my legs look amazing and I put my hands on my cheeks, finally noticing the crown of matching flowers on my head and I nearly start crying.

“It looks way better on you than it did on me,” Hanji says with a shrug. “You’re beautiful.”

At that, I start sobbing. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. “Hanji! Is he alright? What’re you doing in there?” Levi seems anxious but I can’t stop crying.

“It’s okay Levi, you can come in,” Hanji says.

The door swings open and Levi’s eyes are immediately on me. I feel lightheaded. It takes him a moment to take me in, but his cheeks flush after a moment, which he tries to cover with his hand. “Oh my God, Eren,” he mutters.

Hanji grins. “I did a good job then!” he says and pulls out a camera. “Say cheese, Eren.”

I put on a truly happy grin, despite the tears and strike a pose as Hanji snaps a picture. He puts his camera down and says, “I’m gonna go look for Nanaba now, you two occupy each other.”

Once he’s gone I walk over to Levi, more gracefully than I thought I might feel and I almost want to make fun of him for our suddenly startling height difference when he smiles at me. There’s the lightheadedness again. “You looks good like that brat,” he say.

“Thanks,” I say.

“I think the other girls out there might be interested in seeing you too if you’re up for a flocking crowd of ladymen.”

The new outfit has given me a new sense of confidence and I reply, “Okay.”

I go out into the main room to see Hanji talking to a group of girls. As soon as I walk out, the entire room is looking at me, I notice Moblit staring as well. Hanji grins at me, “That’s him right there.”

I think Levi had it right on the nose when he called those women a flock. They rush toward me, making me blush with their comments on how cute I am. The lightheadedness returns and I stagger slightly on my feet. Levi’s eyes are on me immediately.

I want to respond to all the comment, I want to laugh and be a part of the group of women in front of me. But as my head seems to lurch again, the lightheadedness worse than before. Everything goes fuzzy.

I black out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drag mama Hanji is my favorite thing :D


	6. Drag Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's what happened to Eren!
> 
> Enjoy, everyone!

Eren very nearly gives me a heart attack when he collapses.

Suddenly the room gets really noisy and everyone is running around like mad. Hanji helps me move him back into her dressing room while one of the girls goes to go find some water. “What happened?” Hanji asks.

“Like hell I know,” I reply. “He just up and fell.”

It is only a couple minutes before Eren is stirring back into wakefulness. “Oh thank god,” Hanji says. “We were about to have a problem if we had to call 911.”

“What happened?” Eren asks, rubbing his forehead.

“You fucking fainted,” I tell him, compulsively pulling a cigarette from my pocket. “What the hell’s that about? You know you just opened a huge can a’ chaos in here.”

“I did?” he asks. He tries to sit up but he almost falls back over.

“Jeez, just stay down alright?” I say pushing him back down.

There’s a knock on the door. Moblit pokes her head in. “Starr’s on her way back from the store down the street. I told her to get a cupcake or some cookies too in case it was, like, low blood sugar or something.”

“Thanks,” Hanji replies, running his fingers through Eren’s hair. “Go tell everyone he’s awake now so there’s nothing else to panic about.”

Moblit goes back out and Eren stares at me. “What?” I ask.

“I’m trying to remember when I ate last.”

“I know you didn’t eat lunch, have you had breakfast?”

He’s silent for a moment. “Like four or five days ago?”

I stare at him for a moment. “Tell me you’ve eaten since then.”

“I think I had some popcorn the other day.”

“Damnit Eren,” I mutter, rubbing my hand over my face. “Why haven’t you been eating? You work at a fucking diner.”

He shrugs. I look up at Hanji, who is looking at me. We make a silent agreement to make sure we stay diligent about keeping food in the apartment. Hanji stands up. “I’ll go find Starr, he needs something more substantial than a cupcake.”

We watch silently as he leaves, Eren idly playing with the headband Hanji had put on him to avoid looking at me. “Eren,” I say, trying to be rid of the silence. “Does this have something to do with the reason you cut yourself?”

He doesn’t even have his head turned in my direction after that. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Seriously brat, you could die from-“

“So what?” he whispers. “What a relief that would be.”

I just stare at him. Those words hit me much harder than I ever would have expected. “You don’t mean that,” I say.

“You don’t know what it’s like Levi,” he says softly. “I’ve been in a box my _entire_ life. The part of me that yearns for self-destruction, I feel like he’s getting bigger. He’s finding trickier ways to destroy me all the time and I have this disgusting feeling that he’s starting to leak out. I don’t want mom and Mikasa to see him Levi, I don’t want them to know how awful I really am.”

I tentatively rest my hand on his head. Touching him still makes me anxious, but somehow when it’s him I’m less anxious than other people. He leans into my hand gently while I stroke his hair. “I don’t think you’re awful.”

“He’s quiet around you,” he mumbles and turns over, making sure he doesn’t have to meet my eyes.

I can tell that’s the end of the conversation.

We sit in the silence for five more minutes until Moblit comes in with two water bottles and a little cake wrapped in plastic. “Zoe said she was going to go get food from the Wendy’s down the street.”

I nod and when Moblit leaves I get Eren to roll over so he can drink some water. He only drinks a little bit before pushing the bottle away. “It feels gross having too much water and no food in my stomach,” he says.

We sit in silence for a little while longer. “Hey Levi?” he asks.

“Yeah brat?”

“Can I put my head on your lap? I know you’re uncomfortable with touching but I wanted to ask anyway in case you-“

“Come here.”

Eren leans up and deposits his head heavily back down onto my thighs, closing his eyes once he’s settled. “I don’t know why,” he says. “But I’m really comfortable around you.”

“Me too brat,” I say, playing with his hair.

I can tell he isn’t sleeping, but his eyes stay closed. I think he might be fighting a headache. I kind of feel like I’m petting an oversized puppy.

When Hanji comes back, he look like he’s about to say something but he just smiles at us. He sits beside us on the floor and opens the paper bag he’d carried in. “I wasn’t sure what you like to I got chicken nuggets, a cheeseburger, and French fries.”

Eren sits up and digs in the bag, taking out the nuggets first. “Thanks Hanji.”

“You should see the girls out there, like a bunch of mother hens the lot of them. Nanaba’s starting the show a half an hour late now because of this.”

“You found her?”

“She was up in her office.”

Eren looks between us curiously. “Does Nanaba own this place or something?”

Hanji nods. “She’s a very good friend of mine too.”

“When does the show start?” Eren asks between bites of food.

“About fort-five minutes.”

Eren calculates in his head. “Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready?”

“I’m not going on.”

Eren suddenly looks annoyed. “Wasn’t that the entire reason for me being here tonight?” he asks, his personality regaining its usual energy.

“Well yeah but I figured after you ate you’d want to go home.”

“No,” he insists sharply. “I’m here, I wanna see a show.”

“Alright,” he laughs. “You two should go sit out there, I don’t want to get hairspray and makeup in your food.”

Eren starts to get up but stumbles immediately, making both tense up. “Sorry,” he says looking back at us. “I forgot I was wearing these shoes.”

I just shake my head at him and pick up the bag of food and the water bottles. I lead him out and into the hall we’d come from. He followed me down that hall and past the red curtain onto the floor of the club portion. A wide stage was set up across the far side of the room, on our side was a bar where the bartender was setting up, and in between were dozens of tables set up with chairs waiting for patrons. “Pick a place kid,” I say.

He leads me over to a table toward the center of the room a table or two away from the stage. I give him his food and water back and look up, when I notice someone walking toward us. “Hello Nanaba,” I say.

“Hey,” she says, giving me a smile as she sits down with Hanji. “Zoe said we were getting a couple special guests, I didn’t know one of them would be this cute.”

I smirk at the blush that blooms across Eren’s face. “I-I don’t usually dress like this,” he says.

“It suits you,” she says and grins at him. “You’re alright now, I take it? They all came rushing in saying you collapsed and I was concerned we’d have to close for the night.”

“No, I’m fine,” he says, waving his hand dismissively. “I’m Eren Jaeger, by the way.”

“Nanaba,” she says and shakes his hand before standing again. “I have to go see which girls are still going on so I’ll see you later. It was nice meeting you Eren.”

She leaves again and we’re alone again. “You really do look very nice in that outfit Eren.”

He flushes again. “It’s more comfortable than I expected.”

“Really?”

“The most I’ve ever worn of women’s clothes are some shirts and sweaters I’ve bought from the women’s section of a couple stores and a couple scarves Mikasa never wears. Never something like this,” he chews thoughtfully on a French fry. “I think I like it.”

“Has Hanji made you a convert?”

Eren shrugs. “There’s only so much I can get away with before people start asking questions.”

“Still a good look,” I say, absently playing with the piercings in one of my ears.

He watches me, eating slower now. “I don’t know many other people who could pull off that many piercings,” he says.

I snort. “Play your cards right and you might get to see the ones below my neck one day.”

“Besides the ones on your hands?”

“Of course.”

“Hey Levi?”

I cock an eyebrow at the suddenly flustered look on his face and how fidgety his hands get. “Yeah.”

“Do you, like, wanna go out sometime?”

I can’t help the chuckle that escapes at his incredibly awkward delivery. “Like on a date?” I ask slowly.

He face and ears go completely red. “I mean, if you don’t care about me like that I don’t care but I was just wondering cause I really like you and I really want you to like me and we already spend a lot of time together so it really wouldn’t be any different except it could be called dating and I might be able to convince you to hold my hand sometimes cause I know you don’t like tou-“

I smile through his whole spiel before cutting him off before he hurts himself. “Sounds fun,” I tell him. “What did you have in mind?”

He completely freezes and then starts fiddling with the cardboard containing his French fries. “I didn’t really think that far ahead.”

“Call me when you have a plan then,” I tell him. “I called you from my phone earlier so my number should still be in your recent calls.”

“Oh, okay.”

I stand up. “I have to go smoke, will you be alright on your own for a couple minutes?”

“Yeah,” he replies, so I go.

I’m not outside for ten minutes, but when I come back two of the girls have Eren on stage, practicing a dance with them. To be fair, he looks like he’s having fun, but it’s still really jarring to see this cute, shy kid suddenly bending over and moving around all sexy. Sometimes I really do just want to shove him against a wall and-

I don’t really even know what I want to do with him.

Maybe eat him.

I just feel this new, gross urge to possess every part of him sometimes. It’s kind of scary.

He waves when he finally notices I’ve returned and comes back down, much to the girls’ disappointment. “This place is pretty fun,” he says. “Despite the passing out thing, earlier.”

“Just wait until the real theatrics start.”

He sits down and leans back in his chair. “That was more exhausting than I thought.”

“After Hanji goes we can leave, you can come back to watch the whole thing on a different night.”

“Sounds good.” He yawns.

Hanji performs first, thankfully, Eren is already dozing in his seat by the time his set is over.

I manage to get him back to Hanji’s dressing room and he isn’t surprised to see how tired Eren is. Hanji gets back into his normal clothes and we force Eren to change. Eren is reluctant to put the shoes down. “You really do look better in it than me,” Hanji says. “You can keep the entire outfit if you want.”

Eren looks up at him like he’s just seen the face of God. “Seriously?” he asks. “No joke?”

Hanji grins and hugs him. “Of course,” he says. “You’re just so cute I want to give you everything, but this is all I can afford that you might want.”

Eren grips him in a tight hug and I get this weird suspicion Eren thinks of Hanji similarly to the way he thinks of me. That mysterious, inexplicable comfort, only his love for Hanji is more like that of an older brother he never had instead of whatever it is he likes about me.

When we get in the car, Eren in asleep almost immediately. “I don’t know what his mom will think about her teenage son not making it to midnight,” I tell Hanji.

He laughs. “That was a little unexpected, to say the least.”

“You know what else?”

“What?”

“He asked me out. When we were waiting for the show, he asked me on a date.”

“You’ve never been on a date have you?”

“Not a real one.”

“He probably hasn’t either so you’re on a pretty even playing field.”

“I’m more worried about other things though.”

“Like what?”

“Physical expectations.”

“Like hugging and kissing and doing the sex?”

“I wouldn’t phrase it that way but yeah.”

“I don’t know, Eren’s young,” he says. “And he’s pretty sweet. I don’t think he’ll really try and pressure you into anything.”

“That’s not the problem either. I’m getting used to basic touches with him so I don’t think touching itself will be problem. I’m worried about other stress things like that, I’m worried about panicking and trying to attack him or something.”

“You won’t.”

“But what if I do?”

“Look, it’s up to you to tell him everything that’s happened to you and if he doesn’t understand, as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t deserve to be around you anyway.”

“But he’s so cute Hanji,” I whine.

“You said something similar about Erwin and you can’t stand to be around him anymore.”

I pause. “I have a different feeling about Eren than I did about Erwin. I can’t explain what exactly. But it’s different.”

“Then there’s nothing to worry about sweetie.”

I look over at him. “I’m sorry I can’t hug you Hanji.”

He laughs. “That doesn’t bother me, you’re fine.”

“I still feel bad."

* * *

When I got up the next morning, the heat wave was over. I had to rescue Hanji’s black, Snoopy ‘Joe Cool’ Hoodie from the bottom of his closet to keep warm because my jacket is too heavy to wear in the apartment. I nearly tripped over Eren when I got off the couch.

Hanji and I decided to bring him home with us to spare the questions we would’ve gotten from Carla and probably Mikasa.

The hoodie is easily two sizes too big for me but it serves its purpose when I go outside and light a cigarette. When I come back Eren is sitting up drowsily. “Hey,” I greet him.

“What’s for breakfast?” he asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how much I really want to see Eren in his pink outfit X3


	7. Date Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long.  
> Got a rough case of writer's block and had to redo the whole thing :p
> 
> Enjoy! :D

“Alright brat, where’re you taking me?”

Levi stands in the doorway of of my house looking significantly less annoyed than he sounds. I finally figured out a date we can go on, but I haven’t told him what we’re going yet. Hanji told me he’s never been on a date either, so this will be a new experience for both of us. “Can’t tell you,” I say and pick up Mikasa’s keys on my way to the door.

He makes a face at me but doesn’t object to following me to the car. “Where’s Mikasa? It didn’t sound like anyone was home.”

“She and Annie are hanging out at her house since I said I needed the car tonight.”

“Ah,” Levi says and swings down into the passenger’s seat.

I start the car and Levi sinks into the seat, getting comfortable. “Okay, how long will it take to get there then?”

“Not long.”

“Are we going to the city?”

“Nope.”

Levi looks puzzled. “Where the hell are we going that isn’t in the city at seven o’ clock at night?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” I say. “Hope you’re hungry.”

Levi doesn’t question that as he leans forward to play with the radio. “You can plug in my ipod if you want,” I say, pulling the device from my pocket.

Levi takes it and plugs it in, scrolling absently. He chuckles, “So you did put Amy Winehouse on here, good boy.”

“Some songs are better than others,” I reply.

Levi nods and keeps scrolling, shaking his head. “I should’ve brought some of my music,” he says. “You have awful taste.”

“I do not,” I complain with a pout.

“This thing is all pop garbage with a sprinkling of good alternative and that teensy dash of Amy Winehouse you got from me.”

“Well excuse me for like music that isn’t totally depressing.”

“Oh here’s a good song,” Levi says.

I am surprised when _Echo_ by Trapt begins playing, Levi doesn’t seem like the type to like something like this. I’m even more surprised when he starts singing after the first chorus. “ _I think about your face, and how I fall into your eyes. The outline that I trace, around the one that I call mine._ ”

I’m content for the rest of the ride to listen to Levi sing.

* * *

Levi is thoroughly confused when we get there. “Where the hell are we?”

We get out of the car in a gravel parking lot adjacent to an enormous field with a giant screen set up. There aren’t a ton of people here, but enough that we won’t feel like we’re sitting all alone in a field. “Movie night,” I say and open the trunk of the car. “Do you mind carrying something?”

I pull out a cooler and a big duffle bag with a blanket folded on top. “Sure,” he says.

I lock the car and we walk over onto the field. “Where do you want to sit?”

“Depends how much I care about this movie.”

“Why?” I ask with a chuckle.

“Cause if I don’t care about it I don’t want it to be so loud I can’t distract myself with you.”

I feel my cheeks heat slightly at that. “They’re showing The Princess Bride tonight.” Levi freezes and he stares at me with wide eyes. “What?” I ask cautiously.

“I. Fucking. Love. The Princess Bride.”

I laugh and almost drop the cooler. “Okay, I know where we can sit.”

Most of the families with children were sitting close to the screen, I set us up about ten feet behind where most people sat so we couldn’t hear them talking but we could still hear the speakers just fine. We laid out the blanket together and sat down. “So what’s in that cooler?” Levi asks.

I flip open the cooler. “I wasn’t really sure what you like so I made like every kind of sandwich I could think of. I also brought soda, chips and dip, and dessert.”

“What’s for dessert?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Okay, what kind of sandwiches are in there?”

“Turkey, ham, bologna, cold roast beef, pastrami, egg salad, chicken salad, tuna salad, and peanut butter and jelly.”

“Chicken salad.”

I hand him his sandwich and pick the bologna one for myself, before talking out the chips and soda. We both start eating and wait for it to be dark enough out for the movie to start. “I didn’t expect you to get this creative,” Levi says. “I mean, you did still go with the cliché dinner and a movie, but it’s different.”

“Um, thanks? I think?”

He chews thoughtfully at the bite he takes of his sandwich. “No one’s ever done something this cute for me before,” he says. “It’s kind of nice.”

“So do I get a second date?”

Levi rolls his eyes and smirks. “I’ll tell you when this one’s over.”

I lean back, finishing my sandwich as the projector turns on and the movie starts. It doesn’t escape my notice that the longer we’re watching the movie, the closer Levi is shifting toward me.

* * *

“Inconceivable!”

“I do not think that word mean what you think it means.”

We laugh while sit in the car and quote the movie. We’ve been sitting outside the apartment for at least forty-five minutes but we’re too wrapped up in talking to think about doing anything else. As the laughter dies down, Levi looks at me. “We still haven’t had dessert, by the way.”

“I kind of forgot about it,” I say, rubbing the back of my neck absently.

“We can eat inside if you wanna get it out of the trunk,” Levi says. “Hanji said he isn’t going to be home until tomorrow so we won’t have any interruptions.”

“Alright,” I say and open my door.

I go back into the trunk and open the cooler. Inside is a Tupperware container in a plastic bag. I take it out and follow Levi up the stairs to the apartment. “You know,” I say. “Inviting me upstairs kind of feels like an invitation to spend the night.”

Levi shrugs. “That all depends on you,” he says. “Better hope you play your cards right.”

I can tell he’s teasing but it feels like there was an actual threat in there somewhere. He unlocks the door and I take the bag to the kitchen. He is immidaitely over my shoulder, trying to see what I brought. When I open the container, he looks up at me with a completely straight face and says, “What, are you trying to score brownie points with me tonight or something?”

I laugh immediately, nearly dropping the lid back into my brownies. “Did you mean to make that a pun?”

“Did it work?” he asks.

I just shake my head and pick up the container. “They have Hershey Kisses inside.”

“You’re a motherfucking godsend.” He takes one and stares at me. “Seriously though, my favorite movie, my favorite baked good; did you ask Hanji for help with this?”

“Nope,” I say.

He just shakes his head and takes a bite of the brownie, walking toward the living room. “Did your mom make these?”

“I did.”

He turns on his heel to look at me. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“Nope,” I reply and take one of my own, following him to the living room.

When I get close enough he pokes at my arm. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure you’re real,” he says.

“Why?”

“Not a single solitary being can be this perfect for me.”

“I am not perfect.”

“No one is, I just said perfect for _me_.”

He finishes his brownie and turns to the stereo. “We’re listening to my music now, since we’re here. Sit down, alright?”

He sets up an ipod on the dock and picks a playlist. “No Amy Winehouse ‘cause you’re picky,” he says and flops down beside me.

“I am not picky.”

He rolls his eyes and sits up straight, looking at me like he’s got something to say. “What?” I ask. “Is this the part where you tell me the date went awful?”

He rolls his eyes again. He does that a lot and it doesn’t annoy me coming from him like it does from other people. That’s when I notice what song is playing. _Tiger Lily_ by Matchbook Romance.

“No,” he says. “This is the part where I get serious and you shut up and listen.”

I look at him and he looks down at his hands, which he’s wringing together in his lap. “I wanna try to hug you,” he says. “And I am _seriously_ trusting you not to move unless I tell you you can. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course.”

He looks up at me and I swallow thickly. He sits down on his knees beside me and I think we’re both a little tense. “Can you sit up a little bit?”

I sit up straight and angle myself toward him a little bit more. He takes and deep breath and leans forward, moving so he can straddle my lap. I keep my arms down and glued to my side and stare at his eyes. He swallows and lifts his arms slowly, resting them on my shoulders before curling himself around me. He rests his head on his arm, beside mine.

We sit like that long enough for the song to change to one I don’t recognize and he says, “Alright.”

“What?”

“You can hug me too,” he says. “If you want.”

Slowly, to make he doesn’t change his mind, I lift my arms and wrap them around him. He seems less tense, once my hands settle behind him. He lets out an exhilarated laugh. “I did it,” he says.

I grin into his shoulder. “You did.” He grips me a little tighter and I feel something wet on my neck. “Levi?”

“Ignore me, brat, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

We sit until the song changes again. This one I do recognize. _Never Say Never_ by The Fray. Levi starts singing and I get the feeling he’s really singing to me. “ _Some things, we don’t talk about._ _Rather do without,_ _and just hold the_ _smile._ _Falling in and out of_ _love,_ _ashamed and proud_ _of,_ _together all the_ _while_ _._ ”

I think absently that I want this to be our song.

After the chorus, I sing (albeit badly) to him. “ _Picture_ _, you’_ _re_ _the_ _queen_ _of_ _everything_ _. Far_ _as_ _the_ _eye_ _can_ _see,_ _under_ _your_ _command_ _._ _I_ _will_ _be_ _your_ _guardian_ _._ _When_ _all_ _is_ _crumbling_ _,_ _I_ _steady your_ _hand_ _._ ”

He sit back a little bit and looks at me. “Is it okay if I kiss you?” I ask.

I don’t miss the way his ears turn red when he nods. I lean in and my heart skips when my lips touch his, quick and chaste but enough. For now.

When I pull back he starts to lean back in but my phone whirs into vibrations in my pocket.

“Uh,” I say.

“You should probably answer that,” he says and pulls away from me entirely, climbing back off my lap.

I want to punch whoever interrupted us until I see who it is. “Mikasa?”

“Eren, you have to come pick me up.”

“What? Why? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, mom just called me and said the two of us had to get to Maria Memorial as soon as possible.”

“Is Mom alright?”

“She’s fine, she said there’s someone there she needs us to see.”

“Alright, I’m on my way.”

“See you.”

I hang up and shove my phone in my pocket while I stand. “What’s the matter?” Levi asks.

I shrug. “I have to go get Mikasa and we have to go to the hospital apparently.”

Levi looks more disappointed than I feel. “Be careful,” he says.

“I’ll call you once I know what’s up,” I say and walk toward the door.

“Eren?”

I turn back and Levi launches himself at me, kissing me harder than I’d kissed him before. “Come back if it’s nothing too serious, alright?”

“I will.”

* * *

Mikasa and I are both pretty quiet on the ride to the hospital. Maria Memorial is only the second closest hospital to our town, it’s about fifty or fifty-five minutes away so all the empty air between us just feels stagnant. She breaks it first, “How was your date?” she asks.

“It was fun,” I reply. “The Princess Bride is Levi’s favorite movie if you can believe it.”

She smiles. “Did you tell mom that it was a date you were on tonight?”

“I couldn’t,” I say. “I tried but I couldn’t really work up the courage.”

“You’ll get there,” she says and pats my hand. “At least you don’t have to hide sex from her yet.”

“What?!” I shriek. “Since when do you two sleep together?”

She snorts. “Since a few hours ago.”

“Jeez,” I mutter and shake my head. “Levi kissed me tonight.”

“Aw,” Mikasa coos. “I thought you said he has a thing about touching people.”

“It’s not as bad if he initiates the contact.”

“Aha,” she replies. “I’m happy for you. My baby brother’s all grown up.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes. “Did mom tell you anything else other than that we had to get there.”

Mikasa shrugs. “Just to be prepared. She didn’t say what for, which worries me, but just to be prepared.”

When we get to the hospital, mom is waiting for us at the entrance. “Are you guys ready?” she asks.

“For what?” I ask. “You haven’t told us anything yet.”

She takes a deep breath and takes one of my hands and one of Mikasa’s. “You know how originally your dad was declared missing in action?”

“Yeah,” I reply cautiously.

Mikasa gasps. “They found him? Is he-“

“We can go see him upstairs,” mom says. “He got pretty beaten up in captivity I’ve heard so be prepared not to recognize him right away. I wanted you two to be here before I went to see him so I’m not positive what to expect either.”

Neither Mikasa nor I know what to do. Neither of us speak and neither of us move.

Mom takes a deep breath and tugs us with her. “Just come, we have each other if nothing else.”

We follow her into an elevator and I’m in a daze all the way upstairs. When we get to the right floor mom goes up to the nurse at the counter. “Grisha Jaeger’s room?” she asks.

The nurse gives her the number and we follow her down the hall. His room is the last one and the best lit. I choke up when I see a man sitting in the bed. He looks sickly, pale skin with hair too long and an unkempt beard. One wrist is set in a cast and the other looks a little thin.

I recognize his face, but this is not the man who raised me. There’s a vacancy in his eyes that I never saw before. Mom goes to his side first, crying and kissing him. He looks tired, but happy to see her. I take Mikasa’s hand, neither of us speak and neither of us move.

We only stare.

We stare and wonder why he missed everything important and only came back to us too late and not the same at all.

“Eren? Mikasa?”

Mikasa grips my hand tighter at the same moment I do, we step forward and he smiles at us. “My god,” this old man says. “You two look so grown up now. Sorry I’ve been gone so long.”

Tears fall before I notice I was even sad enough to cry. “Hi dad,” Mikasa says softly.

I let go of Mikasa and I run.


	8. Abandoned Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, I almost cried writing this to be honest. It was a little surreal.

It’s been four months since I last heard from Eren.

At first I was just giving him time. He called me the night he found out his dad was still alive in hysterics. After I’d calmed him down he said he’d come visit me at the bookstore the next day.

But he never showed.

I tried calling him but his phone was either off or dead.

That continued until I gave up trying to contact him at the beginning of August, when I left one last message and told myself not to call again.

This was around the time the anger started to set in. I considered going to his house on multiple occasions. I considered cornering him at work and making him talk. I considered asking Carla to tell him to at least call me, though that was out of the question because she barely came to the shop anymore.

I actually did go to his house once.

But when I heard shouting coming from inside all the way out on the sidewalk I turned tail and ran home to Hanji.

August was spent sleeping and working.

Hanji gave many pitying looks and asked me if there was anywhere I wanted to go at least once a day, but I was mostly unresponsive.

At the beginning of September Hanji caught me sneaking heroine into the apartment. He gave me no tears but all he told me was that the second I started using again, I would no longer be his brother and he was definitely going to kick me out. I flushed it.

I spent that night scrubbing our kitchen to fight the urge to go out and buy more.

September was an introspective month.

I had gone through many theories as to why Eren had suddenly stopped acknowledging me. They ranged from the simple “I’m a goddamn hoodrat and he figured out he’s too good for me” to the fantastical “a fairy came in the middle of the night and snatched away all his memories of me”. By the end of the month I’d decided that he probably just didn’t have the time or energy to carry both of our life baggage on his shoulders, this is his senior year of high school after all.

I starting noticing he was never at the diner, and I had to pass it on my walk home from work so I know for a fact he at least wasn’t there on weeknights. I knew I would never be able to actually go in and talk to him, even if he had been there, but there was something comforting about at least being able to see him. I was disappointed every time I went by that I didn’t.

At the end of the month Hanji woke me up and said the two of us were going to the doctor. To get tested. I’d completely forgotten Hanji had set up an appointment for me alongside his.

And then October began.

Hanji had probably only asked on reflex, considering how many times he’d already asked me, if I wanted to go out drinking with him and his friends that night. I agreed, if only to break up the tedium and try and get over the boy I’d barely known for a month.

The feeling I had waking up in a stranger’s bed the first Sunday morning of that October was not one of shame or even anger, I couldn’t pinpoint what I was feeling but I didn’t like it.

I felt dirty.

I felt like I was back on the streets.

I felt like a fucking prostitute again.

Only this time I was picking up boxer briefs and jeans instead of torn panties and a miniskirt off the floor.

I went home and cried again and organized all of the closets in the apartment.

A week and a half later our test results both came back negative and we set up appointments for March, in six months.

The rest of that month was spent crying while reading shitty paperback novels from the romance section at the bookstore. I’d grown a soft spot for them.

By the time November came, it felt like I’d suffered a hurricane. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I was working entirely on reflex; all I really wanted to do was stare into space and daydream my life wasn’t utter shit. But then I noticed there is a gym across the street from our apartment.

A week into November I got a membership and started going to work out when I didn’t know what else to do. At the very least my aching muscles distracted me from all the loneliness.

And I started to feel better.

A week and a half before December I started looking at apartments out of town. Hanji wasn’t very happy but he agreed it was for the best I get away from here.

It’s the first week of December and I still wonder what happened to Eren but at least I’m learning to block out the thoughts in healthier ways.

* * *

“Maybe you should put off looking for an apartment and get a car first,” Hanji suggests while we look through ads one morning.

“Maybe you’re right,” I sigh.

“What kind of car do you want?”

“Whatever I can afford.”

“You have enough money for a down payment on a good sized apartment: you can afford a _very_ decent used car.”

I shrug. “What do you think?”

“You’d look adorable in a little hotrod.”

I roll my eyes and shove him gently. “Shut up.”

“I am at least sixty percent serious. I can see you driving some tiny but still super-fast car, ripping down that really long road out of town than leads to the farmer’s market.”

“Your imagination version of me is highly romanticized.”

“Because I love you,” he said and wrapped me in a hug.

It seems that letting Eren hold me that night had taken away all my anxiousness about familiar people touching me. I still couldn’t deal with strangers, but hugging friends felt okay for the first time in a long time.

Hanji was ecstatic to learn of this.

I was mostly just contemplative of the irony.

Hanji backed off and stared at me. “Boy, you have been putting on some muscle.”

I look down at my arms that used to resemble sticks but had been putting on some definition recently. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Hugging you used to feel like hugging a skeleton, you actually feel like a person now.”

“Gee thanks,” I say, not quite as offended as I’m trying to come off. “Don’t you have papers to grade?”

“Always,” he says. “But sometimes you’re a little more important to me.”

He goes to his room after that, presumably to grade, and I go to the living room to lie down. My eyes land of the stereo and I can’t help the painful twinge in my chest. For the first month I’d listened to _Never Say Never_ on a loop when I couldn’t sleep. That was when the thought of Eren was still comforting though, now it hurt too much to hear.

I’ve barely listened to any music at all in the past couple months because of it. And I haven’t gone to see Hanji’s show in a couple months because of my active avoidance of music.

The last thing I need to do is start crying in public because a song gets to me.

“Oh yeah, Levi,” Hanji calls from his room. “I’m going to the club tonight, do you wanna come with?”

After thinking for a long moment, “I’m gonna stay here.”

Still don’t wanna chance it.

* * *

I don’t particularly like being alone in the apartment.

Even still, I like the quiet time to think without distraction. I lay on the floor (Hanji had completely let me take over cleaning so I wasn’t concerned about it being dirty) and stare at the ceiling. The difference between now and before is I was trying to listen to music again. I think I was trying to desensitize myself to it again. Or something.

But suddenly there was a knock on the door.

I jump up. No one ever comes here.

My mind immediately flashes to Eren and I know it’s wrong but I hope so much that it’s him when I put my hand on the doorknob. I take a deep breath and open it. I’m startled to see I have to look up a little higher than usual. My eyes go wide and I’m not positive how I want to react yet, thrown off as I am by it. “Erwin,” I breathe.

“Levi,” he replies, smiling as sheepishly as his hard face will allow. “Sorry for coming by unannounced, I don’t have your number anymore so I couldn’t call.”

I nod dumbly, my mind coming back up to speed. I hate him. Why am I reacting like this? I don’t really hate him, I made myself believe I hated him. “What do you want?” I ask, settling on just being cautious.

I’ve never seen him so unsure in his life and it’s a little disarming. “Can I come in?”

“I guess,” I say and make room for him to walk inside.

He sits on Hanji’s couch and I move for the kitchen. “Do you want something to drink?”

“What do you have?”

“Coffee, tea, water, um, orange juice, I think?”

“Water, please?”

It’s a mistake to leave the stereo on but I need something to keep me half distracted from Erwin. I take him the glass and sit in Hanji’s shitty old recliner that doesn’t even recline anymore but he won’t let me get rid of. Looking at Erwin I think back on the days I believed those ridiculously muscular arms could actually protect me. I think about how his skin felt and how he let me pull his hair in bed. I think about all the pieces of me that only happened because of him. I think about how much I wish he would’ve been Eren on the other side of the door.

“So?” I ask, trying to get him to talk so he can just leave already.

“I just realized today,” he says. “How lonely my life is.”

I roll my eyes. Always the drama queen. “Weren’t you going out with that little blonde brat?”

“We only lasted a couple weeks, he wasn’t as immature as I was expecting. He’s a sharp kid, I can’t fuck with that. You know?”

I wanna shout at him that that’s exactly what he did to me. I was poor hoodrat before but he’s the reason I started using drugs. I stay quiet though, because what’s the point of being angry about it now? I can’t change anything that’s ever happened in my shitty life.

I shrug, to answer his question. “And earlier this week I realized I was thinking about suicide and I knew I had to do something before I get that self-destructive.”

I’m not even sure what kind of bullshit I spat at him after that. I don’t know what he’s telling me. I just know that I have no idea why I hadn’t thought about suicide before. Suddenly talking with Hanji about getting my own apartment and a car feels really far away and I’m only focused on getting to the end of the night.

In all my lack of focus, suddenly Erwin is kissing me and I’m letting him because _thank god_ it’s the first time I haven’t thought about Eren since I met the fucking brat.

I let Erwin touch me, I let him strip me, I let him hold me because it’s better than wallowing alone in my skin. He throws me on the couch and touches every single one of my piercings because he remembers every last goddamn hole in my skin. I play it up, I squirm more than normal when he touches my nipple rings, I arch harder than normal when he puts his hand on my cock, I moan louder than normal when he touches my twitching hole.

But then suddenly he’s inside. Suddenly he’s thrusting and I’m gasping. Suddenly reality has been dropped on my head. Suddenly _Never Say Never_ is playing on the stereo and I’m so disgusted with myself I want to vomit.

I elbow Erwin off me and run to the bathroom and slam the door before I actually do vomit.

“Levi?” Erwin calls through the door.

I empty all of the dinner and what was left of my lunch into the toilet bowl and lean my sweaty forehead on the cool ceramic, panting, tears fall freely down my face. Erwin tries to open the door and I’m glad I had the presence of mind to lock it behind me. I can still hear _Never Say Never_ playing through the door and I want to claw off my ears. “Levi, what happened?”

“Get out,” I say.

“What?”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” I shout.

I can feel how startled he must be. “Call me,” he says and I hear him walk away.

I don’t even entertain the thought of standing until I hear the front door open and close. I stand on shaky legs and finally flush the toilet, turning the shower on so hot I think it’ll probably burn me. I scrub myself until my skin is raw. I just want the feeling of his hands off me for good but it won’t go away.

I don’t want to be the same person I was before coming to live here. I want to be a good brother for Hanji. But I can’t. I just want to stop being in and causing so much pain. But I don’t know how to make it stop.

I sit there for so long I wind up falling asleep.

* * *

I wake up under freezing cold water before Hanji gets home. I get out and towel off, my skin still irritated from all the scrubbing but nothing to do about that now. I dress in Hanji’s Joe Cool hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. I turn off the stereo that’s been on the whole time and curl up on the couch. I’m ashamed for even thinking about suicide earlier, I’m ashamed of letting Erwin touch me again. I just want to sleep until I’m dead.

I’m still awake when Hanji gets home but I fake sleep so I don’t have to talk to him yet.

I do finally tell him when we both wake up the next morning. He almost cries when I tell him I threw up, he actually did cry when I told him how I spaced out on a suicidal daydream.

He hugs me and rubs my back and whispers into my shoulder me how proud of me he is that I didn’t attempt suicide last night. He makes me the best hot chocolate in the world before getting ready to go to the botanical garden for work because it’s Sunday and he likes to go there on Sundays since he works at the high school on weekdays.

I drink my hot chocolate and watch TV for most of the morning because anything else feels like too much effort. My phone rings around eleven thirty. “Hello?”

“Hey Levi!” Hanji says excitedly. “Would you mind picking up lunch and coming to eat with me? There’s almost no one here and it’s really quiet.”

“I guess, where from?”

“I ordered from the diner, you just have to pick it up.”

“So you just assumed I’d be alright with coming?”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“Thank you!”

I hang up and get into clothes that are actually appropriate for outdoor wear; jeans, a black t-shirt with wings on it, and my leather jacket. I open the door and realize it has begun raining. And I have to walk. Goddamnit Hanji.

I almost walk outside when I remember something. I close the door and to back into the living room. Behind the couch is the purple umbrella Eren gave me when we met. I don’t want to _literally_ be carrying a memory over my head, but it’s better than going out there with nothing.

I walk slowly, the diner usually takes a half an hour to get pick up orders ready and I strongly suspect Hanji had only just ordered when he called me.

When I got there I picked up our order and get out quicker than usual. I was trying to balance the bag with our food while opening the umbrella and accidentally walked into someone. “Sorry,” I say, finally getting the umbrella open while still walking.

“Levi?”

I freeze. It can’t be.

I look back and suddenly the rain sounds so loud in my ears.

“Eren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh, don't pelt me with stones for bad feels! I'm sorry!


	9. Abandoned Day Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, for Eren's side of the story.

It’s been four months since I last spoke to Levi.

At first I was just waiting it out until everything calmed down at home. I had called him the night I first saw my father again and he’d helped me calm down. I was supposed to go see him when I got up the next day.

But mom didn’t want me or Mikasa leaving her alone with my father just yet.

When dad didn’t react very kindly to us, she forced Mikasa and I to move in with our grandparents so she could “get dad settled back in” at home. I was more concerned about getting in the house to find the charger for my cell phone, which I realized I’d forgotten, but she wouldn’t let us. Both of us had lived out of our suitcases until the beginning of August, under the assumption that mom would call us soon and tell us we were okay to come home.

But the call never came, so our clothes moved into the closets.

Our grandparents were incredibly strict about what we were allowed to do and where we were allowed to go and what we were allowed to wear. They wouldn’t let either of us near the phone unless we were using it to call mom (Mikasa had been unlucky enough to drop her cell phone when we were leaving home), we couldn’t leave the house unless we were going somewhere one of them approved and if we went out we weren’t allowed to talk to the drivers to tell them to take us someplace else, neither of us were allowed on computers so we couldn’t even tell anyone else where we were, they controlled everything we ate, what our haircuts looked like, and thrown out most of the clothes both of us had brought with us in favor of clothes they’d picked out for us.

Mikasa had tried to bite the maid sent to clean out her closet when she tried taking Mikasa’s red scarf so that was the only piece of clothing she could keep.

It was hell.

Outside of our grandmother’s “etiquette lessons” from seven in the morning until noon on weekdays, we had free reign to kind of do what we wanted (within reason, god forbid either of us touch a phone or a computer).

So August was spent in a variety of ways.

Mikasa asked grandmother to find her a piano teacher so she could learn and I started writing lyrics for songs she could write once she got better at the piano. We played tennis on the court behind the house, or raced in the in ground pool. We spent a couple days looking up Japanese idol groups and learned dances to a few songs. Sometimes we spent our nights talking in the hot tub beside the pool, other nights we sat up talking and eating ice cream.

She told me about how Reiner and Berthoult, Annie’s two childhood best friends, had offered to take her with them on their ski trip this winter. I told her about the pink outfit Hanji had given me and how much I hoped mom hadn’t found it and the shoes hidden in a bag in my closet. We talked about personal things, how she’d been bulimic for the last three months before she started dating Annie, I showed her the scars on my arms.

She told me how much she wanted to see Annie, I told her how many things I wish I would’ve told Levi.

We bonded over the mutual trapped feeling we’d been forced into since coming to live here. I’d never felt closer to Mikasa in my life.

That said, I still laid up at night stuck in a pit of confusion and depression, trying to fight it back. With all the time I’d been spending around Mikasa lately i knew for a fact she’d know immediately if I started cutting again.

When September began, we received news that we would not be going back to Trost for our last year of high school and were, in fact, being sent to a private school. We both wanted nothing more than to argue it, but we had nowhere else to go or else risk our grandparents cutting us off and we had no way of knowing what was going on with mom, she hadn’t answered our calls in weeks.

Something was definitely wrong.

We had no choice but to move forward and hope for the best.

Both of us looked completely awful in the uniform. Blazers never fit me right and I was correct in believing the shade of blue didn’t do Mikasa any degree of justice, she looked much better in red. Which was good since she wore her scarf over her uniform anyway.

I was ecstatic to find out we had all but two classes together.

September was a quick month, but a heavy one.

School was taking its toll, the other students knew the two of us had grown up in Trost with a single, working class mother. They didn’t care who our grandparents were and they picked on the both of us. The one time I tried to use a school computer to at least send a Facebook message to Armin telling him where we were, the school found out and I was banned from internet use entirely.

Mikasa and I still leant each other a silent shoulder, but being away from home so long was killing us. She didn’t mention me washing bloodstains off the sleeves of my school shirts, and I didn’t mention hearing her vomiting while I was trying to sleep.

Our grandparents didn’t seem to notice either of us were declining in health. Or they didn’t care.

It was already October before we heard from mom again. She sounded exhausted but she said we were all clear to come home and visit to ease dad into us moving back home.

Mikasa and I went the first chance we got.

We could tell pretty immediately something was wrong.

Dad sat staring at the TV with dozen of empty bottles and cans around his seat. Mom rushed us and hugged us both like she’d thought _we’d_ been presumed dead for ten years. “Oh thank goodness, I missed you two so much.”

She kisses both of us. “What happened here mom?” Mikasa asks. “The house looks like a mess.”

“It’s been rough getting your father readjusted,” she says. “I’m sorry this is taking so long, do you have friends you can stay with in town so you can at least go back to school here?”

“We’d have to make sure they all still know we’re alive,” I say. “Grandmother and grandfather haven’t let us keep in touch with anyone.”

Mom makes a face and sighs. “I knew sending you two there would be a mistake,” she says. “But they insisted you would be better off with them then Grisha would. Well, go upstairs and call your friends, I’m sure they’re worried.”

Mikasa finds her phone and calls Annie immediately, I plug my phone in and make to call Levi. As soon as my phone’s on thirty-seven voice messages all come up, all from Levi. I spend the next hour listening to them all and I want to cry by the end. He gave up on me. He thought I was ignoring him on purpose, that I actually didn’t want to be with him.

I tried calling him. “Hello?”

That definitely wasn’t Levi. “Hanji?”

“Eren, what are you calling here for?”

“I have a lot to explain, I know, but listen-“

“I will _not_ listen,” Hanji says. “You haven’t been here the past two months, Levi is an absolute wreck and it’s all your fault.”

“He is?”

“That’s what happens when you completely cut someone out with no notice, they crash and burn and you were obviously too selfish to care so don’t bother calling again.”

He hangs up on me and I try to swallow the knot in my throat as tears start to fall. “Eren?” Mikasa walks in, she probably hear me crying. “What happened? What’d he say?”

I drop my phone on the floor and sob into my hands. She comes over and rubs my back. “He gave up on me Mikasa,” I say. “It’s not my fault but I couldn’t tell him where we were and he gave up on me. Hanji was so angry.” I lean on her and she sits with me until I’m done. “What did Annie say?”

“After I explained everything she was still mad but her mom will let me stay with them,” she says. “And I called Armin since you were taking so long. He said his parents don’t care if you go stay with them either.”

I sigh. “I honestly just don’t want to do anything right now.”

She tries to give me a smile but it’s weighed down by everything that’s been going on around us. “Things’ll only get better from here,” she says. “I mean, it’s not like they can get worse.”

The rest of October is spent switching our records back over to Trost and moving out of our grandparents’ house. They are incredibly unhappy about it, but don’t fuss.

By November, Armin and I are bunk buddies. The top bunk of his bed that had previously only been for sleepovers becoming my permanent sleeping space and he graciously gives up half his closet for my clothes. I think he was mostly just stuck between being excited about having a roommate and being excited at having me around after so long.

“I was surprised when I got your message on Facebook so suddenly,” he said when I finally got to see him. “It was like you and Mikasa had just been reborn after completely dropping off the map. You should have heard the rumors going around when school started.”

Trost welcomed us back with more grace than I’d expected. Being back in a decent environment was making it easy to breathe again.

Losing Levi still hurt, but being around Armin again was making it a little more bearable and I was so distracted with my homework I didn’t have to dwell on it much anyway.

By the time December rolled around, I was settling back in pretty nicely. Mikasa and I were still worried about mom and about why dad came home so suddenly, but they were questions that didn’t really need answers at the moment. So we left them open ended.

* * *

“Ready guys?” mom asks.

Mikasa and I stand with her outside the house, this will mark the ninth time mom will let us in the house to try and talk to dad. I shrug and Mikasa doesn’t respond at all verbally. After last time I can’t blame her, he just yelled at her until she sent me in.

The last few times he’s just stared at me and hasn’t said much. A few questions about school and a few questions about friends but not much else.

I’m not expecting much this time either.

We walk inside and mom looks to us to decide who wants to go first. Mom has been setting up dad in their bedroom for our visits so it’s quiet and there’re less things that might trigger him. “Can we go together this time?” I ask.

Mom makes a tense face but sighs and says, “You can try.”

Mikasa takes my hand and we go upstairs. It’s Saturday and I wish the two of us were back at Jean’s party yesterday – even if I do hate his stupid horse face. I open the door and we see dad sitting in the chair in the corner looking out the window. The two of us sit on the bed and wait for him to turn and acknowledge us. Mikasa doesn’t let go of my hand. “Hi dad,” I say.

He looks over then, he stares at both of us. “Afternoon,” he says, his voice gruff and quiet.

“How’re you feeling today?” Mikasa asks.

“Humph,” he grumbles and looks out the window again. “How was school this week Eren?” he asks.

“Fine,” I reply. “I passed my Physics test this Wednesday.”

“And you Mikasa?”

“My English teacher gave me the only A in our class on our most recent essay.”

His voice takes on a hard edge. “Is that supposed to impress me? You trying so hard to show up Eren like that?”

“It’s okay dad, I-“

“You can’t let this bastard baby make you out to be a lesser person, son. You have to make sure you put the bitch in her place.”

Dad goes to stand and Mikasa flinches, hiding behind my shoulder. “Dad, sit back down,” I tell him.

He shuffles toward us still, leaning on his cane heavily. “No.”

“Dad,” I say warningly.

He gets closer and holds up his cane with both hands. “No.”

“Mikasa, get out!” I shout and shove her off the bed.

She scrambles for a moment before getting up. “Not without you!” she replies and goes to grab my hand.

She is intercepted by the cane, however, a loud crack sounding through the room. She is brought to her knees immediately. “Exactly where you belong,” dad says. “Get out of my sight.”

“Go,” I whisper to her.

She makes a face at me but doesn’t argue. “Honestly Eren,” dad says, settling back into his seat. “How do you deal with her?”

“I love her,” I reply. “We’ve kind of had to lean on each other a lot since we were kids, we’re really close. I remember you two being close when we were little.”

Dad shakes his head. “I really did shake you up before I left, didn’t I?” When he looks at me I’m stricken by how lucid he looks. For the first time since he came back he’s actually seeing me.

“What do you mean?” I ask hesitantly.

He looks back out the window and sighs. “If you love your sister so much, why haven’t you ever dated anyone?”

“What?”

“Your mother told me. You’ve never taken a girl out on a date.”

“I’ve taken out a man before,” I say, before I really think about it.

I’m looking at a stain on the carpet so I don’t see when he shoots a look at me, or when he picks up the lamp on the table beside him. I don’t register he’s moved at all until I hear the lampshade rattle and by then it’s too late.

There’s a crash and my head hurts and suddenly I’m on the floor. The lamp is broken on the floor around me and the door is swinging open. “Eren!” Mikasa shouts as she pulls me off the floor.

I look up to see dad looking out the window again, ignoring us. “Dad?”

He doesn’t turn around. “C’mon Eren,” Mikasa says, slinging my arm over her shoulder.

“Dad.”

She drags me out. “Dad!” I shout. “Mikasa! Let me go!”

“Eren, you’re bleeding, calm down for a second.”

“I’m bleeding?”

“Your head.”

Suddenly it really hits me how much my head hurts. “Whoa,” I saw. “This feels familiar.”

She tugs me toward the bathroom, presumably to clean me up. “What do you mean familiar?”

“I don’t know, had a weird sense of déjà vu when I hit the floor just now. I felt like this has happened before.”

Mikasa gives me a cryptic look but doesn’t really respond beyond that as she turns on the bathroom light. “Holy shit,” I say when I see my reflection.

The cut on my forehead isn’t very big or wide but there is blood all over my face. “Mom!” Mikasa calls. “Can you bring up some ice?” Mikasa get out some antiseptic and a bandage. “Rinse your face off.”

Looking at all the red and pink go down the drain brings back a stronger sense of déjà vu. I ignore it in favor of patting my face dry and letting Mikasa clean up my forehead. “Oh, sweetie,” mom says when she walks in.

She is carrying a Ziploc back full of ice and a rag to wrap it in. She hands them off to Mikasa for her wrist and bandages my face herself. The concern in mom’s eyes is a little unnerving because it really isn’t that bad and she had to clean up a worse hit Mikasa took about two weeks ago. “Are you alright?” she asks.

“Yeah, I just said something I shouldn’t have.”

She shakes her head at me. “I’m so sorry sweetie, maybe we should put him away after all.”

“He might get even worse if he’s away from home,” Mikasa says. “Eren and I just have to be careful, it’s okay.”

I was in awe of Mikasa’s patience. All he ever did was yell at her and she was very accepting of it.

“Are you sure? I mean, I’ll miss him but I also really miss having you two around to keep me company and I really miss the shop.”

“Have you been going back?” I ask.

She nods. “I can never stay for more than a few hours at a time though. You know how much I love wasting entire days there.”

Mikasa and I both look at the floor. “I should go,” Mikasa says. “Annie and I are going out tonight.”

“I wanna get back before Armin decides to go out,” I add.

Mom smiles at up and takes one of each of our hands. “I’ll call you guys in a couple days,” she says. “You two take care of yourselves, alright?”

“Okay mom,” I say.

We say our goodbyes and Mikasa and I go out to get in her car.

* * *

“Aren’t you going out with that guy Erwin?” I ask Armin while we are lying around the house that night.

“Yeah,” he replies absently, flipping through channels on the TV. “But he’s been acting strange lately.”

“What do you mean strange?”

Armin shrugs. “He doesn’t call as often and we haven’t had sex in like two months.”

My face heats up. “A little TMI, Armin.”

“You mean with Levi, you never-“

“No, you know he had a thing about touching people.”

Armin sighs and flops back in his place on the couch. “You’re really missing out.”

I make a face and look out the window. “At any rate, I’ve been meaning to ask, do your parents always leave you alone this long at a time?”

Armin shrugs. “Sometimes they’re gone for days.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Frankly, I’m a little bit more worried about you,” he says. “You get tossed out of here and aren’t allowed to come home, you have a spend a month at what sounds like the worst school ever, you come home and find out your boyfriend won’t talk to you, your dad beat you over the head with a lamp, you’ve got a lot going on right now.”

I shrug. “I’m trying to bury it all as much as I can.”

“Is that why I keep seeing those marks on you?”

I look over at Armin and he’s staring back at me with something like compassion in his eyes. Of course he already knows. “I uh, yeah.”

“Who else knows about them?”

“Just Levi and Mikasa.”

“How often did you used to do it before?”

“As often as I had to to breathe,” I reply. “Sometimes, I just feel like I’m drowning, you know. Like the entire world is just weighing so heavily my lungs don’t feel like they work properly.”

Armin looks up at the ceiling. “I think everyone feels like that sometimes,” he replies. “Some people probably don’t quite feel as bad as you and there are probably others who feel much worse and there are much better ways to deal with it than doing that, but everyone feels it.”

“You too Armin?”

“I haven’t really felt it since you came to stay here, but it’s lonely without mom and dad sometimes,” he says.

I don’t miss the tear that slides down his cheek. I wrap him in a hug. “It’s okay,” I say and it feels weird to be consoling someone else but I don’t let him go. “You have me and you have Mikasa and you have plenty of people around to lean on.”

“You too,” he says. “You can lean on me too. Don’t try to stop drowning on your own.”

We eat ice cream for dinner that night and fall asleep on the couch watching Titanic.

* * *

Mikasa picks me up the next morning only shortly after Armin and I wake up. “Good morning,” I greet her.

“Ready to brave getting yelled at by Nile so we can have our jobs back?” she asks.

“Can we have breakfast first at least?”

“It’s like eleven o’ clock,” Mikasa says.

“So?” Armin asks. “Pancakes.”

“You two are really having fun with this bromance party over here aren’t you?”

“More and more every day,” I say and kiss her cheek. “It almost makes me miss my bromance parties with you at the grandparents’ house.”

Mikasa rolls her eyes but takes a seat. “Do you guy have blueberry syrup?”

“Eren tried to make some, I can’t promise it’s any good though.”

“Hey,” I say. “I looked up a recipe and I followed it exactly, it should at least be kinda good if not totally delicious.”

“We’ll see,” Mikasa says.

“I’ll taste it, watch,” I say. I dip my finger into the small pot on the stove and suck it clean when I pull it out. “Oh my god.”

“Good? Terrible?”

“Excellent.”

“Lemme try,” Armin says and does the same thing I did. “Oh my god.”

“Okay,” Mikasa says and copies. “You’re making this again the next time we have breakfast together.”

“Sure thing,” I say and pick up my phone so I can bookmark the website.

We eat our pancakes fairly quickly and Mikasa and I get up. “Text me if you’re going out,” I tell Armin. “So I know if I should find something to do after we go to the diner.”

Mikasa and I make quick work of talking to our boss. He sounds glad to have us back, if annoyed we took so long to come back. It’s just starting to rain as we’re finished. “Do you want a ride back to Armin’s house or are you gonna stay here for a little bit?” Mikasa asks.

“I think I wanna go next door to the shoe store.”

“Alright,” she says. “Call me if you need anything, otherwise I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

We walk outside and part ways so she can get in her car. I only walk around the shoe store for a few minutes before leaving. I want to walk home to Armin’s instead of driving. I don’t get much alone time these days, not that I ought to have it, but it’s nice sometimes.

I’m passing the diner and not paying attention when I run directly into someone. “Sorry,” says a familiar voice.

I turn, recognizing the umbrella he is opening. “Levi?”

He freezes and turns sharply toward me. Definitely Levi. “Eren.”

I don’t know what to do or what to say but it doesn’t matter because he’s coming toward me. His mouth is on mine instantly, kissing me in a harsh demand but it’s broken just as quickly and my head is swinging roughly to the right as he slaps me across the face. “Where the fuck were you?!” he shouts. “And what the hell happened to your head?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Levi XP


	10. Leaving Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus, we muddle on...

Eren, despite me slapping him across the face, is grinning at me like he’s just seen Jesus. He reaches up to touch the bandage on his forehead. “Oh this, I just got hit the face with a lamp.”

“Did it give you brain damage? Why the hell are you smiling at me like that?”

The smile slips and he just looks sheepish. “I uh, I’m just happy to see you I guess.”

“You’re happy to see me. Four _entire_ months where you didn’t even _try_ to talk to me and you’re _happy to see me_. Jesus Christ.”

I rub my temples with my middle finger and thumb. He looks confused. “You think I didn’t try to see you? I tried to call you like two months ago, didn’t Hanji tell you?”

“Hanji?”

“Yeah, I tried to call you to tell you where I’d been but Hanji answered and he wouldn’t let me explain and he sounded so mad I couldn’t bring myself to try again.”

I sigh, Hanji and I are going to have to have a talk. “Well, where have you been?”

He hesitates. “You seem like you’re in a hurry, I’d rather talk about it when we have more time.”

I shake my head. “I need to know just how mad I have to be at Hanji when I go see him right now.”

He looks down at his feet. “Dad wasn’t too happy about being around me and Mikasa so mom sent us to stay with our grandparents. It was only supposed to be for like a week but we ended up there until October no phone calls, no internet so no one knew where we were except mom.”

I stare at him. “You couldn’t come back at all?”

Eren shakes his head. “I wanted to every day, Mikasa and I were both dying to come back. Shit got kinda bad for both of us toward the end. I found out she was bulimic for a while – both of us were picking up old habits to cope before we came home.”

Suddenly I felt like shit, he’d been stuck suffering while I was acting like a whiny, lonely bitch in his absence. “Fuck,” I groan.

“What?”

I couldn’t really decide how much I wanted to tell him about what happened while he was gone but my cell phone rings. “That’s probably Hanji,” I say.

“Alright, call me later then,” he says. “I’m free for the rest of the day.”

He leans in to kiss me but I back away, regretting kissing him as a first reaction. “You’ll regret that later,” I say. “We really have to talk.”

The sudden fear in his eyes stabs me through the heart. “You promise?” he asks.

“Of course I do,” I say. “I don’t want to end whatever this was between us but I’m afraid you might after I tell the shit that’s been going on around here.”

Eren just stares at me and I pull out a cigarette, suddenly with knots in my stomach. The fear is still in his eyes but it’s clouded with confusion. “I get the feeling even if I still want to be with you, you won’t want me to.”

“We’ll talk later,” I say and exhale a puff of smoke.

I’d rather stay and talk now but Hanji’s waiting and I have some choice words for my dear older brother. I start walking away but Eren grabs my wrist. “Why do I feel like you aren’t coming back?”

I want to snap at him that he disappeared first but if he’s telling the truth that’s not his fault. “I am,” I tell him. I shrug out of my jacket and hold it out to him, glad I am wearing long sleeves and a hoodie underneath. “If I don’t come back for you I’ll definitely be back for that.”

He looks unsure, but takes it anyway. “See you later,” he says.

I walk away for real this time.

* * *

“Hey Levi,” Hanji says with a grin when I walk in.

“Why did you tell me?” I snap at him, putting our food down.

“Tell you what?”

The sigh I let out almost sounds like a hiss on my own ears. “Why didn’t you tell me he tried to call me?”

Hanji looks at me, his expression unnaturally serious. “If he wasn’t going to call you for two months, what good news could be possibly have had?”

“What if he was in trouble? What if he had needed our help?”

“You were falling apart in front of my Levi, I couldn’t risk you getting close to him again.”

“That’s my decision to make Hanji, not yours!”

“You tried to bring _heroine_ into _my_ apartment and you want me to think I can trust your judgment?!”

I run a hand over my face. “I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Levi, you were completely unstable. I had to walk on tiptoes around you to keep from setting you off. If you think for a second I would let you put yourself back into a position for that to potentially start all over again, you’re wrong.”

“Oh, and letting me sleep with a random stranger while I’m still hung up on a guy who might or might not still be my boyfriend is great behavior.”

“It was better than watching you vegetate.”

“I vegetated even harder after that night. To a point that I slept with _Erwin_ , do you have any idea where my head needed to be for me to even consider that again?”

“If you didn’t want my help than you shouldn’t have moved in with me!”

I’m taken aback immediately. “Oh, fuck you.”

I turn and start making my way back outside. “Levi!” Hanji shouts after me. “Levi!”

I don’t look back and I don’t slow down.

I don’t realize until I’ve gotten three blocks away that I forgot Eren’s umbrella.

* * *

The first place I go when I leave is the bank. After that I go to the used car lot with a pocketful of cash and buy the only car within my price range that doesn’t look and run like shit. It’s dark blue Toyota something-or-other and I don’t care enough about the model to actually look. The man working the lot actually gets me in and out without much problem since I’m paying for the whole thing up front. He looks suspicious but the money’s good so he doesn’t push.

I decide the first thing I have to do when I leave is get it registered wherever I land. Next I go back to the apartment and start bagging all my things and hauling them out to shove in my trunk.

Once that’s done I go to the diner and write a letter to Eren. I read it three times before I call him to meet me. He seems enthusiastic, if distracted. I read the letter over and over while I wait.

I’ve decided I do have to tell him everything. If only so he knows what to watch out for in the future. People like me are not good for people like him.

When he gets here, he sits in the booth across the table from me. “I missed you, you know,” he says when I don’t speak first.

I sigh. “I sure missed the hell out of you too,” I reply.

He seems to relax a little, not that he should. “So what’s happened to you?” he asks.

“It’s unfair for me to say that I missed you after what I’ve done, but fuck, I wasn’t sure you were coming back and Hanji…” I sigh and I want to smoke but we’re indoors and fuck getting kicked out during an important conversation. “The important thing I have to tell you is I slept with two people while you were gone.”

He looks at a loss for words. “Who?”

“One was a guy whose name I still don’t know. Hanji got me to go out drinking and, well…”

“And the second?”

“Erwin,” I say. “It wasn’t really because I wanted to but he was there and I was lonely and I wasn’t really planning on making it through the night until I, uh…”

“Until what?”

“ _Never Say Never_ started playing,” I say quietly. “And then, I don’t know, I snapped out of it, I guess. I kicked him out right after that cause I couldn’t deal.”

“Levi?”

“Yeah.”

“I still wanna be with you.”

“I was afraid of that.”

We stare at each other and he just looks so obstinate, like he’s ready to argue anything I tell him. “Why? You wanna be with me too right?”

“Yeah, but-“

“What’s the ‘but’? We’re both consenting.”

“I’m not _good enough_ for you Eren, there are so many things you don’t know and you might run from me for any of them and I don’t want either of us to get hurt for it.”

“And this wasn’t a problem before?”

“We’ve already been hurt, if we break it off now it won’t be as bad as it can be.”

“I don’t care Levi, tell me everything. I don’t wanna lose you again.”

I take a deep breath. “Then come with me,” I say.

“What?”

“Right after I leave here I’m skipping town to get away from Hanji. If you wanna be with me, than come with me.”

“I can’t just leave like that, Mikasa and Armin-“

“Good, then stay here,” I say. “It’s where you belong, I don’t.”

“Levi please, I just-“

“Eren,” I say and sit my letter to him on the table. “Read this. If you still respect me after that then you have my permission to come look for me. I can’t really guarantee you’ll find me though.”

“Levi,” he says and I see tears in his eyes. “I don’t- I can’t-“

“I’ll come back when I get settled into a new place,” I tell him. “If you’re ready than you can come with me, if not you don’t ever have to see me again.”

He jumps out of his seat and comes over to me, kissing me full and hard on the mouth. “I’m coming with you when you get back,” he says. “I swear to it.”

Based on the contents of that letter I seriously doubt it but I nod to him anyway. “We’ll see how you feel after you read that,” I say. “Now let me up.”

He begrudgingly gets off me so I can stand and I go immediately outside. I am feet away from my car when he runs up behind me and embraces me around my back. “I’ll wait if you’ll wait,” he says. “As long as it takes.”

I kiss him again before getting in my car.

I keep the tears from falling until he is completely out of sight, reciting the words of the letter in my head as I go.

_Dear Eren,_

_I know this is going to be a lot but I have more to tell you than I’m confident I can really say out loud. What I felt for you was less like love and more like an unshakable camaraderie. We had felt similar pains and thus clung together to share it. My greatest fear is that that which brought us together eventually won’t be enough to keep up together so I’d honestly end it before we end it violently._

_But since they may be the last time I speak to you, I feel like I need to tell you the whole truth about. The most that you know right now is that I came from a shitty family and was dealing with addiction until this past year. What you don’t know is I started dating Erwin when I was 17. He was terrible for me, he forced me to a lot of things I’m not proud of and he’s the reason I still live with all this metal in my face. For a long time he had me convinced my only worth was what I could do for him while at the same time stroking my intellectual ego because he was a college professor and I’d never had a person that smart tell me how smart they thought I was._

_Unfortunately that eventually led to him getting me to try coke for the first time when I was 19. He broke up with when I started focusing more on the drugs than on him and I switched over to heroine. Without someone to buy it for me is where I get into the real nitty gritty._

_I was a prostitute, Eren._

_I dressed like a woman and wore my hair long and let men fuck me for money. It’s the reason why I couldn’t deal with people touching me. I had so many men all over my all the time skin contact with other people became repulsive and I couldn’t deal with any part of it._

_Even now I don’t know how I’d react to consciously wanting to sleep with someone._

_And that part of what I’m afraid of, getting too close to you and having to push you away because I’m having flashback to strangers pulling my hair and forcing me to do what they want me to._

_I don’t know if I loved you, Eren, but I won’t hold it against you for hating me after telling you all this._

_I’ll be seeing you,_

_Levi_

* * *

I end up in a shore town about an hour and a half from Trost. The sign leading in says Sina Beach.

I stop at a motel close enough to the beach I can see the ocean. Oddly enough, it feels like the calmest place I’ve ever been and mostly empty since no one goes to the beach around here in winter. Inside the motel there is a woman sitting behind the counter with short, red hair. She looks up and me and smiles before she _really_ looks at me. Her smile falters a bit but her tone is friendly. “Evening,” she says. “Are you looking for a room?”

“Yes please,” I say and take out my wallet.

“How long will you be staying?” she asks, typing something into her computer.

“Until I can find an apartment,” I reply.

“New here then, huh,” she say and holds out her hand suddenly. “I’m Petra, you’ll need a friend around here. Most people aren’t too friendly until you’ve been around a while.”

“Levi,” I reply, nodding at her and shaking her hand.

“Because we don’t get much business around here only the bottom floor rooms are used as a motel area, everyone on the second floor lives there as an actual apartment. If you’ll let me do a background check in the morning you can do a formal tour to see if you might like to stay here.”

“That’s be great, actually,” I say.

She smiles. “In the meantime you can stay in room 104,” she says and hands me a key. “I just need to see your ID and a credit card.”

I hand her both and she types a few things in. “That’s quite a few piercings you’ve got there,” she says. “My friend owns a tattoo parlor and he’s been looking for someone to train to be a second piercing artist if you’re interested.”

“You are incredibly friendly,” I say.

She smiles. “You look familiar,” she says. “Or maybe I’m just, like, projecting someone else onto you but I feel like I need to help you for some reason.”

I stare at her for a moment and she continues smiling back. “It would be pretty great if you’d introduce me to your friend.”

“Great!” she giggles. “Gunter will be thrilled to have you on board.”

She shows me to my room and I only bring a bag with my toiletries and a change of clothes into the room with me. I get comfy on the bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering how such an impulsive decision managed to go so right for me.

I realize, too late, as I’m falling asleep, that Eren still has my jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, don't pelt me with stones. Please?


	11. Shocking Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Day-Before-Valentine's Day :D
> 
> ((although it might not seem so happy after reading this :\\))

When I leave the diner I take the road out of town away from the city until I am far enough away I know no one will find me. I park in an empty field, turn up the radio, and sit on the top of Armin’s car, looking at the early evening sky.

I read Levi’s letter so many times I start to lose count.

_I don’t know if I loved you but…_

_I don’t know if I loved you but…._

_I don’t know if I loved you…_

It hurts less than I thought but I might just be in shock. He left. I finally got to see him again and he left. He said I would hate him for what was in the letter but I don’t. He said I could look for him if I wanted but I probably won’t find him. I want so much to go after him but I have school and I have no idea how long it’ll take to find him.

I sigh and stare up at the stars.

I don’t even have my own car, so it’s not like I can leave for more than a day at a time.

I know he might not have even felt what I did when we met but I like to think he did. And if he did I don’t know why he would want to walk away from me so soon. Unless he thought I blamed him for sleeping with other people while I was gone. Maybe it’s just because he’s gone now, but I can’t really bring myself to be too angry about that.

I just want him back.

My eyes tear up like earlier and I cover my face with my arm.

The wind is picking up so I get back in the car. I don’t realize until I turn the heat on just how cold my fingers, ears, and nose are. I don’t wanna go back to Armin’s house. I don’t wanna go anywhere really. I just want to think.

So I drive.

I’m in the city before I stop, it’s late – almost nine o’ clock, so not _too_ late but still. Before I realize it, I’m standing outside the place where Hanji does drag. I only now realize there’s a big unlit sign above the door that reads The Corps Theater. “Eren?”

I look over to realize Nanaba is walking toward me. “I, uh, hi,” I say.

She smiles at me. “How are you? What’re you doing here? Hanji said you’ve been missing for a few months.”

“I’m alright,” I say, unsure how else to describe anything right now. “I was just wandering around ‘cause I wasn’t sure where else to go.”

Nanaba looks around before looking back at me. “You wanna come in for some tea? I just got home from work.”

“You live here?”

“Above the theater there’s a studio apartment I live in.”

I follow her inside. “I thought you owned this place, why do you have another job.”

She chuckles darkly, leading me up a steep spiral staircase into a big open room packed with Nanaba’s life necessities. “I was given this place in my uncle’s will. I have a second job because I’d barely break even without it.”

“Why not sell this place then?”

She snorts. “Who would want it? The theater used to have actual theater seating but it wasn’t very good for the drag shows. We have to move in other seats for when this place has legitimate shows.”

Eren shrugs and awkwardly takes a seat on the incredibly worn in couch. “This place does stuff other than drag?”

Nanaba fills her teapot with water and lights the stove with a match. “Have to. The queens can only give me donations to perform here, speaking of. You seem like the kind of kid who’d be interested: auditions for _Rent_ are coming up. I don’t know about you’re particular talent level, but it might be worth auditioning. Levi says you like dancing at least.”

Eren shrugs. “My dad might not like me being in a show like _Rent_.”

“Right,” she drawls. “I bet he’d be incredibly happy to know you hang out with drag queens and dressed as a woman one night here.”

“He doesn’t have to know about that.”

“Just like he doesn’t have to know you’re auditioning,” she says and sits beside him. “It’s just an audition after all. Even if it goes further than that, it’d be nice to see you more often, you’re a nice kid.”

“I’ll have to think about.”

Nanaba leans up and picks a paper up off the table. “They’re next Tuesday night, if you decide to come, the stage manager asked me to help cast so I’ll be there when you perform.”

The paper she hands me is an advertisement for auditions with a form to fill out stapled to it. “Cool.”

“So how’ve things been? How are Hanji and Levi; neither of them have made it this way for a couple weeks.”

“I actually just got to see Levi today,” I say. “He left.”

“He left? Where to? For how long?”

I shrug. “He just, I don’t know. He doesn’t want anyone looking for him.”

“Does Hanji know?”

“He seemed really angry at me when I talked to him so I’m afraid to ask.”

“Why was she mad?”

Eren huff out something that might have been a chuckle. “They told you I was missing, when I finally had a chance to call Levi Hanji answered and yelled and me. That was two months ago and I didn’t get to see Levi until today.”

“Where were you?”

“That’s an incredibly long story.”

“I have time,” Nanba says and gets comfortable.

So we sit, and she listens. Somehow I end up telling her everything. From when we thought dad died, to when I met Levi, to when dad hit me with the lamp, to the contents of Levi’s letter. We finished the entire pot of tea by the time I’m done talking. “I’m sorry,” Nanaba says.

I shrug and sigh. “I actually feel a little better that I told someone everything.”

“You should stop by more often,” she says. “I don’t mind being an ear.”

“Thank you,” I say sincerely. When I see it’s nearly midnight I blanch. “Oh shit, I have to go home!”

“Right, you probably have school tomorrow,” she says, getting up. “Do you need a ride?”

“No, I drove.”

“It was nice seeing you again,” she says and I run back down the spiral stairs.

As soon as I’m back in the car I almost forget to put my seatbelt back on before I’m racing back to Armin’s house.

* * *

The lights are off so I take off my shoes at the door before tiptoeing into our bedroom. I try to change into pajamas as quietly as possible but I’m not entirely surprised when Armin sits up and turns on the lamp beside his bed. “Eren? Did you just get home?” he asks, rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah, sorry. Hope you weren’t worried,” I say, pulling a t-shirt on.

“Kinda,” he says. “You’re lucky I didn’t call Mikasa before I fell asleep.”

“Sorry,” I say and pull myself up onto my bunk.

“Are you alright? How was your meeting with Levi?”

I sigh. “I’ll tell you everything in the morning,” I say. “I’m just really tired.”

“What can you tell me right now?”

“If you feel like going through my jeans Levi gave me a letter I’m okay with you reading.”

“A letter?”

“He left, Armin.”

“He left?”

“He left.”

I listen to him get up and go through the pockets of my pants. “There are two different things in here.”

“The one that’s only one sheet of paper and isn’t printed.”

“What’s this other one?”

“An audition sheet?”

“For what?”

“Nanaba, that woman I told you knows the place where Hanji performs, said I should audition for a show they’re having there.”

“What kind of show?” he asks cautiously.

“ _Rent_.”

Armin gasps happily. “You love _Rent_ , I bet Mikasa would be super excited to see you in it.”

“But what would dad say?”

Armin sighs, more dejectedly this time. “I know you care about his opinion, Eren, but he can’t give you his real opinions right now anyway.”

“You don’t understand Armin.”

I can feel him staring at me, but I can’t turn over. “He hurt you, Eren. Anyone who physically, consciously wants to hurt you, ever, even in a fit of anger like that, doesn’t deserve to have any weight on your decisions like this.”

“He’s my dad.”

“I’m just saying, Eren. Ever since we were kids I’ve been able to tell that basing your decisions on what your dad wants doesn’t make you happy.”

I don’t reply, and I pull the blanket over my head. I hear him unfold a paper, presumably the letter, as he sits back on his bed. “Erwin is why Levi got into drugs,” he says, like he wants me to confirm.

“Yep.”

“They dated for longer than Erwin told me they did.”

“They slept together while we were apart.”

Armin is silent for a moment. I realize I heard him get off his bed and I turn over, looking at him search around for his phone. “Armin?”

“He cheated.”

“What? Who?”

“Erwin. All that time I thought he was ignoring me, he was trying to get back to Levi and after that he came crawling back over here and fucked me too.”

“You and Erwin are still together?”

Armin nods, tears welling up in his eyes as he sink onto the floor, giving up on his phone. “Of course he doesn’t love me,” he says. “No one does.”

“Armin,” I say and get on the floor beside him, holding him.

“Except you,” he says. “You love me more than my goddamn parents.”

“I’m sorry,” I say into his shoulder.

“Eren,” he says.

“Hm?”

“You and I are going to find Levi,” he says. “If he doesn’t call by Christmas, you and I are going to go look for him. And you are going to that audition.”

“Armin-“

“Don’t ‘Armin’ me, just go.”

“But I -“

“You what –“

“What if I screw up?”

“The great Eren Jaeger, fifth in his class at Trost high, a screw up? No way.”

I sigh. “I love you, Armin.”

“I love you too, Eren.”

“You’re taking being broken up with surprisingly well.”

Armin sighs. “Something’s been wrong for a while,” he says. “I just couldn’t put my finger on it until now, you know?”

I look at Armin’s alarm clock. “It’s late,” I say.

Armin sighs. “We have school in the morning.”

“Unless we take a personal day.”

“Wouldn’t be a bad idea.”

“Wanna go with me to see my dad this time?”

“I’d love to.”

* * *

When I get dressed, I return Levi’s letter and the audition papers to my pocket, like I’ll lose them if I leave them somewhere too far away from me.

Mom is surprised to see Armin and I. “You two should be in school,” she says.

“I didn’t want to go with a hole in my head,” I say, giving her a cheeky grin.

“And why are you here?” she asks Armin.

“Moral support, mostly,” he says.

Mom sighs. “He probably does need it, come in.”

Dad is sitting and watching some crime drama, it looks like _Law & Order_ but I’m not sure. “Hi dad,” I say and Armin and I sit down.

Mom moves toward the kitchen. “Do you two want something to drink?”

“Water,” Armin says.

“Do we have soda?” I ask.

She nods and goes to the refrigerator. Dad turns to me with a spiteful expression on his face. “That’s no man, if you mean to tell me that’s who you too out.”

“What? No, dad, you remember Armin. He hung out with me and Mikasa when we were little.”

He looks at Armin. “You’re that little twit you was already reading,” he says. “At least you don’t look like a little girl anymore.”

To his credit, Armin’s expression doesn’t even beginning bordering on anger. “You look good Mr. Jaeger, how’ve you been?”

“Exhausted with my no-good kids.”

“No good?”

“One’s a dike and a showoff and the other’s a cocksucking lapdog.”

I stare down at my hands. “I’m not a lapdog.”

“So prove it,” he says. “Your birthdays coming up, enlist as soon as-“

“Grisha,” mom says sharply.

“What?”

“Let Eren decide what he wants on his own,” she says, handing Armin and I our glasses.

“Then I let him decide to enlist on his own before I drag him there myself.”

“Grisha!”

“It’s a young man’s duty Carla. To protect and serve.”

Mom expression warps into one of anger. “I already lost two people I love to senseless violence! I refuse to lose my son too! Not Eren! Not like that!”

Two people. “Mom, who else-“

Dad stares directly into my eyes. “You really have forgotten haven’t you?”

“Forgotten what?” Armin and Mom both look directly at me.

“Grisha, no!” Mom says.

“The man Carla tried to run away with before my parents forced us to get married.”

“Mom?”

She isn’t looking directly at me, tears are filling her eyes. “I’m sorry Eren,” she whispers.

“Have you ever wondered why you and Mikasa don’t look alike? Why you’re only a little over a year apart?”

“I-“

Armin takes my hand, like he wants me to brace myself.

“Mikasa was only adopted into our family, you know,” dad says. He chuckles darkly. “But the funny thing is, you still have a parent in common.”

“No.”

“I’m not your real father.”


	12. New Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long, I accidentally slammed into a wall with this so it took a while to get my bearings again '^.^  
> Enjoy~

I am not surprised I have a nightmare that night.

I am surprised, however, at the contents of said nightmare.

Usually I have nightmares about still living on the streets. Nightmares about skeevy men holding me down or about being face down in a pool of my own vomit but unable to move.

But last night was about Eren.

Eren, beautiful and ridiculous Eren, cold and dead. Bled out and freezing in a bathtub.

And I was just out of reach. I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t call out for help. I couldn’t do anything.

I sit up in bed and scratch the back on my head.

I want to shoot up so bad. Make the past twenty-four hours into a fever dream.

I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my forehead on them. I can’t do that. Not yet. If Eren doesn’t come after me in six months, or if I can’t work up the courage to find him, then I’ll let myself do what I really want. I just really need to know if Eren thinks I’m worth the try. If Eren doesn’t think I’m the garbage I know I am.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down and lay back in the bed, intending to go back to sleep but there’s a knock on my door. I’m not sure why, but I know it’s Petra on the other side of the door. “Morning,” she says cheerfully as I open the door. “I figured you didn’t have much in the way of food so I was wondering if you wanted to join me for breakfast before I show you the apartment upstairs.”

“Sure, I guess,” I reply.

She looks at me curiously. “Are you alright? Your eyes look red.”

The words slip out before I can really stop them, “I had a nightmare.”

Petra hisses through her teeth. “I used to have nightmares,” she said. “Rough stuff.”

We stand there in silence until I shift my weight and say, “I just have to get dressed, where do you want me to meet you?”

“Just come in the lobby, I live in a space hidden behind a door in office. Hurry, it’ll get cold if you take too long.”

I nod and close my door again. I pull on one of the only two pairs of jeans currently in my possession and shrug into a t-shirt. I glance down into my bag and see my cellphone, dead and wedged between my sketchbook and the smaller bag with my toiletries in it. I pick it up and contemplate plugging it in for a change. There are only three people who might be interested in contacting me and I’m only interested in actually hearing from one of them. I sigh and after weighing my options, plug it in and leave it in favor of going to see Petra.

This place looks even better in the daytime. It’s cold, but it’s sunny and there’re people moving around everywhere. It’s not depressing or reminiscent of depressing places at all. I can tell already I’m going to like it here.

“Hello?” I call as I walk into the lobby.

Petra peeks her head out from her office doorway. “Back here,” she says.

I follow her into a narrow doorway in the back of her office into what looks like a small apartment. “Whoa,” I say.

She smiles and shrugs. “It’s home,” she says.

The space in incredibly small, but it looks like its suits her. The only door in the room looks like it leads to the bathroom. Her bed is pushed against one wall with a couch at the foot and a coffee table and a TV across from it. There’s a dresser (but the rest of her clothes are hung on a bar near her bed) and a small table with two chairs in the tiny kitchen area. “It’s pretty tiny,” I say.

She snorts and sits down in one of the chairs at the table. “I know.”

I sit down across from her. Each of our plates has three pancakes, a bottle of syrup and two cups of coffee are between us. “Thank you,” I say.

“No problem,” she replies, buttering her pancakes. “I usually don’t do this for new people but you seem exceptionally lonely.”

I shrug. “Leaving home was kind of spur of the moment. I mean, I was looking for a place by myself but I wasn’t expecting it to be this far from home this soon.”

“Why’d you leave?” she asks. Her expression turns apologetic a moment later. “I mean, unless you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to.”

“I got in a fight with my brother,” I say. “He purposely didn’t tell me that my boyfriend came home like a month ago and I didn’t find out until yesterday.”

Petra’s face is sympathetic and it occurs to me I must not spend very much time around women because I don’t know any men who can make a face like that sincerely. Or at the very least I must not know any who can be sincerely be sympathetic. “I’m sorry,” she says. “Not that it’ll make you feel any better but I can tell you why I left home.”

“Hm?”

“My mom went a little nuts after my grandparents died because they left most of their money and this place to me in their will. They didn’t like her much because they said she was always too selfish and they were surprised my dad could raise me to be any kind of nice. Anyway, my dad eventually made me leave because he was afraid my mom was going to hurt me so I ended up here, all by myself for a while.” She’s staring at her pancakes looking solemn for a moment but she pulls herself back together quicker than I could. She smiles at me. “Anyway, I know what it’s like to be alone in a new place without anywhere to go.”

I try to give her a smile in return but it feels foreign on me. “Thank you,” I say again.

We eat mostly in quiet, listening to the news from her ancient box television. It sounds like it’s going to snow later today. Great.

“The rooms upstairs are bigger than this one, if you were wondering,” she says eventually.

“It don’t care either way,” I reply. “I don’t have much anyway.”

“There are only two other people living up there,” she says. “But they’re on vacation right now and won’t be back for another few days.”

“Both of them?”

“They’re friends,” she says. “Or lovers, perhaps, who knows. They’re certainly very flirty with each other but I don’t think I’ve ever heard them go into one another’s apartments.” She trails off into her thoughts. “I’ll introduce you when they come back.”

I put down my fork, finally full. “You make very good pancakes,” I say.

“Thank you,” she replies with a grin. “I’ve got lots of practice, they’re my go-to food when I can’t sleep.”

“Really?”

“There are six boxes of mix in the cabinet, I don’t joke around about my pancakes.” I actually chuckle at that, and it feels good. She grins at me. “I got you to laugh, that’s a good sign.”

“Alright, lemme see this apartment now.”

She takes our dishes to her sink before leading me back out to the office. Behind her desk is a ton of keys on a wall. She picks up the key under the sticker that reads _208_. “Come on,” she says.

When we go outside, the staircase leading up to the second floor is directly between her office and the rooms. At least the stairs are concrete so they don’t make any strange creaking noises. His room in the second to last one in the row.

It’s honestly bigger than he expected. The living room is squashed into the kitchen making one big room. Down the tiny hallway is two bedrooms and a bathroom with a stall shower and no bathtub. “This is nicer than I expected,” I say.

“I keep the place pretty well taken care of,” Petra replies.

“I meant the size, this place looks pretty small from the outside.”

She giggles. “That’s what everyone says. The only furniture is in this room so you’ll have to buy a bed and stuff on your own but rent is pretty low compared to other places around here and we’re in a part of town that hardly ever has blackouts during bad weather. Plus,” she says, opening the door to one of the bedrooms. “This room has a great view of the beach.”

The walls of the room are a gross, sun-bleached shade of olive green and it definitely needs some kind of rug to cover the warped spot on the hardwood but Levi thinks he can really like this space. “How much do you want for it?”

* * *

 

Entirely too long after, I finally have all the papers signed and gave Petra my down payment.

I take my bag up to my new room and decide I have some shopping to do. I can’t buy a bed right away but I at least need blankets so I can sleep on the couch and food. I plug my phone back in and sit on my new couch.

The apartment feels empty, but it feels pretty cool that it’s mine. Petra said she’d be up in twenty minutes to take me to see her friend the tattoo artist. I stare at the ceiling and breathe for a moment.

I should buy cleaning supplies too.

In case of one of my fits.

Well, for general purposes too I guess.

It was a bad idea leaving Eren behind. Now that I know he didn’t leave me on purpose I have a lot to say to him. I wanna tell him how angry I was when I thought he was ignoring me, and about all those shifty novels I read, and how I couldn’t listen to No Doubt and I still can’t listen to _Never Say Never_ but it’s constantly stuck in my head.

I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them. It took so much effort for me to hug him that one time I did. I’m worried how much it’ll take this time. I hope not much.

By the time Petra comes to knock on my door I’ve already closed my eyes, halfway ready to nap.

“It’s not far from here,” she says. “Do you want to take separate cars and follow me?”

“How can you even leave, isn’t running this place what you do?” I ask as we go downstairs.

“Two of my friends work here too. Auruo runs the front desk when I have to go out and Erd cleans the rooms up for me sometimes.”

“They sound nice.”

“Usually,” she replies. “So anyway, separate cars?”

“Yeah, I have some shopping to do after,” I tell her, my keys feel foreign in my hand. I still have the key to Hanji’s place on the ring.

“If you need to borrow anything, just ask,” she says. “You know where to find me.”

We get into our cars and Petra leads me about five minutes away to a shop sandwiched between a pizza place and a Laundromat. It’s small, but the art looks pretty excellent. There are only three chairs set up across the room, with a couple benches in the front acting as a waiting area. There are only two people inside at the moment; a woman getting a tramp stamp and a man leaning over her, putting on her ink.

He looks up briefly. “Hey Petra,” he says. “I’m almost done, sit tight.”

Petra leads me to the counter where five or six binders are sitting out full of art. “Are these all by him?” I ask.

“This one here is art by his old partner that got left behind when he moved to New York City,” Petra replies.

“He’s the only guy working here?”

“Now he is,” Petra replies. “It doesn’t matter now because it’s not the busy season but come summer he’s never gonna get out of here. That’s why he wants a piercing artist, a little less work for him.”

I nod, thumbing through the binders. When the gun finally turns off, he bandages the woman up and gives her care instructions before sending her on her way. “Alright,” he says, beginning to clean up. “This is the guy you told me about?” he asks.

Petra nudges me toward him. “Gunter, meet Levi. Levi, Gunter.”

“Nice to meet you,” I say.

He smiles at me. “I would shake your hand but I have to get these gloves off first.” I nod as he appraises me silently between throwing out the tiny cups with ink in them. “You weren’t kidding Petra,” he says. “He really does have a lot of metal. How many?”

“Forty-five,” I reply.

He raises his eyebrows at that. “So you’re _very_ familiar with these things already. I need to certify you with then proper techniques and whatnot but if you’re willing to work for me I’d be glad to have you,” he says.

“That’d be cool,” I say. “Thanks.”

“I can start training you tomorrow,” he says. “But I’m booked pretty solid until tonight and they’re all ink, no piercings.”

“That’s fine,” I say. “I have some shopping to do anyway.”

He writes down some information on a card and I put it in my wallet. “Be here by nine-thirty tomorrow morning,” he says. “If for whatever reason you can’t be here, call me on that number.”

“Thank you,” I say again as another customer comes in, already with several tattoos. “Hey Thomas,” Gunter says and leads the man to a chair, already talking to him.

I turn to Petra. “What kind of stores are around here?”

“I usually shop for food at the little grocery store across the street from here, it’s between a diner and an arts and crafts type store. On the other side of the craft store is a store where you can probably find blankets and smaller furniture. The big furniture store is on the other side of town.”

“Thanks,” I say. “For everything. I’m gonna go shop for a decent blanket and pillow now.”

“Have I given you my cell phone number yet?” she asks.

“No,” I reply.

“Do you have you phone on you?”

“It’s charging back in my apartment,” I reply.

Petra finds a pen on the counter. “Gimmie Gunter’s card. You have the number for the lobby but not my personal number,” she says.

She scribbled her number for me and hands the card back. “See you later,” she says.

I cross the street to the shop she said sold blankets and small furniture. I got one pillow and down comforter and took them back to my car before cross back over intending to go grocery shopping.

But then I looked in the window of the craft store. An easel was set up in the window.

I don’t go to the grocery store next.

* * *

 

When I get back, there are two missed calls, one from Hanji and one from Eren. There is only one voicemail. After a moment of staring at my phone, I decide not to listen to it in favor of putting my new things away.

Cleaning supplies under the kitchen sink, plates and cups in the cabinet, silverware in the drawer. Toilet paper in the bathroom. Pillow and blanket folded in the corner, vacuum by the door.

Easel, paint, and two empty canvases in the room facing the ocean.

I sat facing one of the empty canvases with my sketchbook on my lap for almost an hour.

I really wanted to check the message on my phone.

But what if it was Hanji? What if he tried to shout at me for leaving?

I turn my phone over in my hand again and dial my voicemail.

It’s from Eren.

 _“Levi?”_ I bite my lip when I realize it sounds like he’s been crying.

 _“Listen, I know that you need like time, or space, or something but I… I miss you, okay. I know you think that you’re like, not good enough or whatever, but no one exists without damage and I can love you despite it, okay?”_ He sniffles and takes a moment to catch his breath. _“I miss you, Levi,”_ he says quietly. _“I miss you and I really want to see you and even if I can’t see you, can you call me back? Please? Even if you don’t want to see me I just really want someone to talk to. Things are getting bad here and I… just… please call me?”_

The line goes dead and I just sit there for a moment with my phone still against my ear.

I put my phone down and look up at the canvas. Suddenly everything’s so clear.

I don’t stop painting until well into the night. I fall asleep on my new couch with no blanket or pillow and covered in paint.


	13. Audition Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY this took so long! It sort of got away from me for a while, but I'm officially done school for this semester so i actually have time to devote to this again (thank goodness).
> 
> As a side note, if you haven't seen Rent I recommend watching it or at least looking up a performance of Today 4 U on youtube so you can have a better idea of what Eren's doing in this chapter.
> 
> Please, Enjoy!

Armin is the one who drags me out of the house, while mom takes dad somewhere else.

“What?” I ask. “Armin, what the hell is going on? Where are we going? I want answers! Let me go!”

I try to pull my arm away but Armin lets me go when we get to the sidewalk. “You heard what he said,” Armin says. “Grisha… isn’t your father, Eren.”

I can already feel myself shutting down. “Where’s mom? I need to talk to her about this.”

“Eren!”

Mom is rushing out the front door toward me. When she wraps me in a hug, I decide to let her but I’m still so confused. “Mom, what is going on?”

She sighs, looking at me. “Oh sweetheart,” she says. “I meant to talk to you about all this before but I guess time got away from me.”

I stare at her, waiting for her to explain.

She sits down on the curb, I only follow when Armin does as well.

“Well,” she says. “It’s probably better if you hear all this from your dad actually, he has more of the whole story than I do.”

“So he’s alive? Why haven’t I-“

“You had amnesia, Eren, right after the accident. And for the most part you were fine with relearning old information, but whenever you saw your dad who went into a panic and shut down on all of us. He decided to stop coming to see you so you could just get better. The doctors told us to give you a year but time just got away from us and then neither of us knew how to tell you.”

“Has Mikasa seen him?”

“What?”

“Has Mikasa got to see him?”

Mom looks at me sadly. “She has.”

“Why didn’t she tell me?” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. “Why didn’t any of you tell me?”

“I’m sorry, sweetie, it’s all my fault,” Mom says, burying her face in her hands.

I stare at her and Armin sighs. “We wanted to tell you, it was just hard,” he says. “We didn’t want you to shut down again.”

“Where is he?” I ask.

Mom looks at me. “I can write down his address for you.”

“When do you want to see him?” Armin asks.

I shrug, while mom goes in to find some paper. Armin looks at me. “What now?” he asks. “Since you know what’s up.”

I shrug. “Sleep the rest of today away and then come up with a plan.”

He breathes a laugh. “Sounds good to me.”

His cell phone rings and I look over his shoulder when I notice his hand shaking. It’s Erwin. “You don’t have to answer,” I tell him. “He doesn’t deserve you answering to him.”

Armin looks up at me and I can see his eyes tearing up. “But Eren –“

His phone stops ringing and he leans on me. “This is hard,” he says.

I lean my head on his. “How about some platonic cuddling when we go back to your house?”

“I’m down for that,” he replies.

When I hear the door open and shut again, I turn to see Mom walking back toward us. She takes my hand when she hands me the paper. “Eren, sweetie, I want you to call me before you go see him, okay? And just know that I’m here for you, alright. I’ll always answer the phone even if I can’t get to you.”

Somehow, that made my chest ache a little bit. “Thanks Mom.”

She nods at me. “Now go, I need to go calm Grisha back down.”

I don’t know where it’s coming from, but suddenly, while I’m standing, I’m telling her, “You know Mom, no one would blame you for getting help with him. I know Mikasa said it might be a bad idea to put him away, but not if he’s dragging you into his crazy with him.”

She stares at me, like she’s lost in thought but vaguely relieved. She opens her mouth to speak but sighs. “We’ll talk about that later, okay?”

I nod and follow Armin to his car. I wave to Mom as Armin pulls away and we make out way back to his house.

* * *

There was indeed napping and platonic cuddling for most of the afternoon. When I wake up, Armin is still asleep so I leave him on the couch in favor of god to our room. I sit on my bed and pick up Levi’s jacket, hidden under my comforter. I bring it up to my nose, taking in his scent as much as I can before lying down and hugging it.

Everything is such a big mess right now.

I miss when I could go down to Mom’s bookstore and just talk to Levi until his shift was over. I roll over and rub my face in his jacket. I miss him.

Not ten minutes later, Armin walks in, yawning. “I forgot to ask,” he says. “When are you going back to work?”

“Tomorrow,” I reply. “I have a shift with Mikasa right after school.”

He’s quiet for a few minutes, but then suddenly he starts singing, “ _They say that breaking up is, hard to do~_ ”

“Shut up,” I laugh, throwing on of my pillows at him.

He giggles as well, just as my phone goes off. It’s Mikasa. “Hey,” I answer.

“Where were you at school today?” she asks.

“Armin and I didn’t go.”

“I realize that,” she says. “I want to know why.”

“I went to go see Mom and… Grisha today.”

“Gri –?“ She pauses. “You know he’s not our dad, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

She pauses again. “Are you alright?”

I pause at that. “Yeah,” I reply. “I think I am.”

“You’re not thinking of… you know?”

I glance over at Armin, perched on his bed, looking through his phone with a sad look on his face. “Not now,” I say.

“Call me if you do start thinking about it,” she says. “I just…” She pauses again. “You want me to go with you to see Dad?”

“I don’t even know when I’m going yet.”

“Okay,” she says. “Just let me know.”

“I will.”

“I have to go. Talk to you later?”

“Later.”

She hangs up so I put my phone down and sit up, putting Levi’s jacket on. “Hey Armin,” I say.

“Hm?”

“The audition sheet says I have to prepare one song from the show, right?”

Armin looks at me. “Yeah, why?”

“Wanna help me pick one?”

Armin smiles at me. “You’re gonna do it?”

“Yeah,” I say, smiling in return. “I think I am.”

* * *

 

I’m even surprised at how optimistic I feel the rest of the week.

Things feel normal for the first time in a while; things at school are alright, working at the diner is alright, I do my homework with Mikasa, and every night that week Armin helped me memorize the song I was going to sing for my audition.

I originally wanted to audition for Roger but Mikasa convinced me to audition for Angel instead, she says my voice is too high for Roger. She’s probably right.

That weekend at work, I was practicing during my shift, making Mikasa and Nile both stop and stare and clap for me.

By Tuesday, I’m barely thinking about anything else.

Nanaba smiles when she sees me and comes to give me a hug as greeting, if she notices Levi’s jacket on me, she doesn’t comment.

The room is nearly full in front of large empty stage, so I sit near the front (why do people always take the back seats first?) and wait with butterflies in my stomach. At least they’re having the men go first because there are at least twice as many girls auditioning, only downside it I’ll be one of the last because I was one of the last to show up.

A lot of guys either audition for Mark or Roger, making me glad I let Mikasa talk me into auditioning for Angel. Only three guys before me audition for Angel, so I’m fairly confident when I go on the stage myself.

I feel something like fire flowing through me while I’m performing, belting _Today 4 U_ with more enthusiasm than I’d ever given it practicing.

When I get off stage, I barely remember what happened when I was up there, I’m hardly even aware of the applause I’m getting on my way off, I just leave for Armin’s house and hope to get a call-back.

* * *

 

“How’d it go?” he asks, closing his copy of _Beloved_ by Toni Morrison.

“Good… I think,” I reply.

He smiles. “I’m sure you did great.”

“Now to play the waiting game,” I say. “I’m so nervous.”

“You shouldn’t be,” he replies. “You’re kind of awesome.”

I snort a laugh. “Kind of awesome?”

He nods. “I think so.”

“Anyway,” I reply, attempting to ignore him.

When I glance at my schoolbag, I notice the paper Mom write my dad’s address on peeking out from under it. “Do you think I should go see my dad before Christmas?” I ask.

“Well,” Armin replies. “We’re done school on the nineteenth, you can go the day after that and be home before Christmas.”

“Saturday,” I sigh. “I have work that morning so I guess I can go afterward.”

“Perfect,” Armin replies.

I pick up the address. “Should I… ask Mikasa to go with me?”

Armin shrugs. “Do you want someone there for the first time you’ll see your dad that you’ll actually remember?”

“I don’t know, actually.”

“Think about it then.”

I sigh and lay on my bed, taking off Levi’s jacket. When I glance down at my arms, I realize none of the scars are new. Suddenly my eyes are tearing up so I curl up and hope Armin can’t see my face. “Eren, are you okay?”

I nod, sniffling pitifully.

“What’s the matter?” he asks, sounding panicked.

“Look,” I sob, showing him my arms.

He frowns. “What about them?”

“I actually –hic– haven’t cut in over a week.”

Armin jaw is slack for a moment, but suddenly it draws into a grin and he hugs me. “Good job!” he says. “I’m so proud of you!”

I wipe my eyes hard and try to calm back down.

For once, I’m proud of me too.

* * *

 

On Thursday, when I’m on my way to work with Mikasa, a mysterious number shows up on my phone. “Hello?” I answer.

“Eren? Hey, it’s Nanaba.”

“Oh hi, what’s up?”

“I was recruited to make some of the calls for people who were accepted into our cast for _Rent_.”

I freeze. “Seriously?”

“You got the part,” she says excitedly. “Congratulations!”

“SERIOSULY?!” She laughs on the other end. “Great! Thank you!”

“First cast meeting and dry read-through is Monday and then we don’t meet again until after New Year’s,” she says.

“Fantastic,” I say, beaming. “Thank you for calling.”

“Sure thing,” she replies and I hang up.

“I GOT THE PART!” I shouts.

Mikasa nearly swerves us onto the sidewalk. “Seriously?” she asks, smiling.

I nod enthusiastically.

My first reflex is to call Levi with the good news, but I pause when I remember.

I can’t call him.

* * *

 

Armin isn’t home when I get back that night, which is unusual, but I texted him the new earlier and he already congratulated me.

Laying on my bed after my shower, I want to talk to someone.

Flipping through my contacts, I scroll past the one labelled ‘Mom’. I’m not entirely sure why, but I dial her.

“Eren?” she answers.

“Hi Mom,” I say.

“Hi sweetie,” she replies. “Is everything alright, you don’t usually call me?”

“I got accepted into a production today.”

“A production?”

“A musical,” I say. “At a local theater.”

“That’s great!” she says. “Which musical?”

“ _Rent_ ,” I reply. “I’m playing Angel.”

She chuckles. “That sounds great.”

“Mom?”

“Yes honey?”

I feel tears well up behind my eyes. “I’m gay,” I say.

“I know, sweetheart.”

“I was dating Levi.”

“I figured.”

I can practically hear her smiling through the phone and my tears spill over. I wipe my eyes and sit up. “I’m going to drive over and see Dad on Saturday.”

“So soon?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “I think I need to go before Christmas.”

“Alright,” she says. “Call me before you leave.”

“I’m going after work, that afternoon.”

She sighs quietly. “Aside from that, how are you? I don’t see you enough, do you still mope all the time?”

“I never moped.”

She laughs. “You always mope.”

I pout. “You say that like I’m just a huge sack of sadness.”

“No, more like a bucket,” she replies. “But that’s beside the point, I just want to know if you’re happier.”

I stare up at the ceiling. “I think I’m getting there,” I say.

“Good,” she replies. “You had the most genuine smile when you were little, I miss it.”

“Me too.”

She hums. “I decided I’m going to put Grisha away,” she says. “And I’ve decided to tell his parents they can deal with him if they don’t think I should.”

“Good,” I reply. “It’s unfair that you’re the only one watching out for him.”

She nods, sighing. “It just feels like I failed somehow.”

“A few weeks back at the bookstore will set you back on track in no time.”

“I hope so.”

“You’ll be fine, Mom. You raised Mikasa and me and we’re mostly okay so you must be at least mediocre at making decisions.”

She laughs again. “Gee, thanks.”

I laugh again too. “I love you, Mom,” I say.

“I love you too,” she replies.

I hear the front door of the house open. “I think Armin just came in, so I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Sure,” she says. “Later.”

“Bye Mom.”

“Bye sweetheart.”

I hang up and go out to see Armin getting a water bottle from the refrigerator. “Where were you?” I ask.

He takes a sip from his water bottle before resting his hands on his hips triumphantly. “I _officially_ ended it with Erwin,” he says, grinning.

“Good,” I say. “How’s it feel?”

“Dizzy, but alright overall.”

I smile at him. “Wanna watch a movie before bed?”

“I think _27 Dresses_ is coming on TV in a little bit.”

I pump my arm happily. “Hell yeah, let’s watch that.”

Armin laughs and we set ourselves up on the couch, happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE Eren and Levi will be back together soon, in like two or three chapters roughly.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is kinda just for fun so I have no idea how long it's gonna be or if it's even gonna be good so feedback would be great. I highly recommend listening to No Doubt, particularly their album Tragic Kingdom if you haven't already cause I'm kind of using it as my mood setter whenever I write this.
> 
> (enter shameless self-promotion)  
> If you have a tumblr and wanna send me an ask or just watch me reblog crap from other people (I would suggest scrolling for a minute before following cause my blog can be off-putting), you can find me at i-am-nowl.tumblr.com  
> (shameless self-promotion over)


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